I find myself going through this vicious cycle. I think I'm only now beginning to realize the pattern, but as I look back on my life, I can see it happening over and over and over again. The cycle is as follows:

There is some event or some challenge that keeps me busy and gives me purpose in life. Then, like all things, that challenge is overcome or the event simply comes to an end. Following this I find myself sinking into boredom and a resigned feeling of lack of purpose. It can be delayed or forgotten for awhile while I throw myself headlong into busy-ness and social outings, but sooner or later, it catches up with me.

That's where I'm at now. I came out of REACH - left Kenya and returned to America. The high of being with friends and family in familiar surroundings kept me going for awhile. I rushed from place to place, taking on as many things as I could fit into my already hectic schedule. The rest of the summer will likewise be very busy, but there are days like today.

The irritating thing is, I really needed a day like today. I'm tired. Plain and simple. I'm burnt out and worn out and honestly do not feel like being around people. It took every ounce of energy yesterday morning at church to great people and smile and be normal. I just wanted to run out to the car, sit there in silence and then escape to my room for the afternoon to read and be by myself. Family came over for a cookout, so that wasn't an option (and it did end up being a good time), and then I had to give my hour long presentation about my trip to Kenya to my church. God gave me the grace to get through it and I was able to talk to people and actually enjoy it instead of feeling like I wanted to run from the building while screaming.

But anyway, back to today... I knew I needed to sit around all day and do next to nothing. I needed to give my body time to rest and cease the crazy pace I've been keeping up for a long time. I probably should have used this time to process some of the past nine months. I was too tired for that, though. It's something I'm dreading doing and keep finding every excuse to put off. I don't even know where to begin such a monumental task. So instead I read Breaking Point and replied to facebook messages and generally was bored and feeling generally pessimistic. Feeling pessimistic and being bored both tend to make me want to eat. So I ended up eating way more food than I should have and now I'm kicking myself over that. I can't gain back all the weight I've lost. I won't. Ugh.

That isn't the ultimate point, though. That's just a random rant on the side. The real issue is purpose. Where do I find my purpose in life? I know where I find it. I find it in accomplishing tasks, overcoming challenges, and creating crafts. I know that's where I shouldn't find it - I had this discussion with one of my director's while I was in Africa. I can't find my purpose in what I do, because then what happens if one day I'm unable to do anything? What if I break my arm or my legs or my neck and I'm only able to think and talk? My purpose needs to be found in God. That's so much easier said than done. It's another one of those things that I don't even know how to begin to start.

I need to go to dinner, so I suppose I will continue to wonder about this another time...
Until then... Please feel free to pass along any helpful advice you might have.