There seems to be a lot of rainy days this spring (judging from what I've observed and what I've been told). I love the rain, but I hate the thunder. I was hoping that everything that I went through in Africa would make me a little less fearful of the things here that send my adrenaline spiking. There definitely isn't any improvement in the storm category. I still find myself freaking out and needing to remember to take deep breathes and wanting to dash to the basement at the slightest hint of wind during a storm. I am sleeping through storms more, which is nice - because storms are always worse in the middle of the night when you're alone. I tell myself over and over again that God protected me from all the dangers of the desert - heat stroke, poisonous scorpions, poisonous snakes, poisonous spiders, random creepy men (and the list goes on)... So, therefore, it would seem to logically follow that God would be able to protect me from a measly little storm, eh? While my logic can follow those lines, my mind always seems to kick into this other realm and there's no way to reason with my emotions, even though the sane thoughts are still there in the background trying to break through the panic.

Good news: I am a little less hyper about spiders than I used to be. I was working in the garden yesterday and I allowed numerous spiders to run by me without flinching or feeling the need to end their lives (my mom probably would have been unhappy if she had known I had let them live - they might find her!). Only one spider has freaked me out (it was a rather large spider in my storage unit - I thought it was a cricket at first by the way it jumped, but then I realized it was much too large to be a cricket and so I looked a little closer *shudder*). So, there are some areas where being in Africa has had a good effect on me.

I also find that I'm a lot more confident. If you had told me even at the end of my trip to Africa that I would come out of the trip being more confident in myself, I would have laughed in your face. In Africa, I felt anything but confident. I felt bruised and unsure of myself and inadequate most of the time. I did make it though, and now that I'm back here, I'm finding that living in America isn't quite as drastically impossible as I once thought. Of course, relationships still aren't easy and there are still challenges and fears of the unknown future, but as far as relating to people on a day to day basis, I find that I'm much more confident in my looks, my personality and the fact that I have something to offer. It's a really nice place to be in. I have noticed it slipping the past few days, but I'm trying to hold onto it. It seems like Satan would love to see me slip back into feelings of inadequacy and fear of social situations - that would hold me back from making relationships with people and from making a difference for the kingdom. I realize his schemes, though, so he's out of luck.

I'm spiritually still feeling like I'm at an impasse. Deep down know I want God and I know there's a fire burning deep in my heart to serve Him and to further His kingdom. On the surface, though, I want nothing to do with God. I don't have the energy to seek His face, to open a Bible or to really talk about spiritual matters with people. I'm still angry with God for the way that He withdrew the emotional feelings of His presence from me when I needed it so much in the middle of the desert. I still feel an intellectually irreconcilable break between my perception of the God of the Old Covenant and the God of the New Covenant. I see how all along He was moving history toward Jesus and His redemption, but the means he used in the Old Testament seem so contrary to the character of God that I thought I knew. I'm sure it has to be my limited understanding or something like that - I mean, who can know the ways (or mind) of God? It's not just something that I can reason away that easily, though. I have too much of an intellectual mind to just answer my questions that way. That was another one of my great frustrations with the church that surfaced while I was in Africa - why do we answer such tough questions with pat answers and useless cliches. While they may be true, people need to hear the truth along with sympathy and practical direction for their life. We need Christians who are willing to get dirty and walk alongside hurting people. In Africa, I felt like the message being spread was that the Christian life should only be joy and smiles and if you're not happy through it all, then there's something wrong with you. I don't know if that's what was really being spread, or if that's just my perception of it because of the point that I was at. Regardless, I'm at a point where I need my faith and my fellow's Christians' faith to be practical and applicable to the world we live in, not just in a spiritual realm. I think our hurting world needs this kind of faith - the coming of the Kingdom - more than ever. What does that look like in my day to day life? And how can I get there when I can't even make myself open by Bible?

I'll keep pressing on and keep writing.
Until then... Go out of your way to show someone going through a hard time the practical and real love of God.