The world feels like a dismal shade of gray today. I'm not sure why. I've received some news that I've been wishing for for months and months - finally it came and I'm glad, I really am. It just makes me look at my past and my current situation and my future and it makes me feel a little less than hopeful.

I still am struggling with purpose. I feel worn out and it depresses me to realize I'm not even doing that much in my days, so why am I exhausted and wanting to sleep so much? I miss seeing people. I long to go to a good church. I long to connect with God and people who understand me.

Blast. I want to live life boldly and I want to live life happily. I feel the high from being home slowly but steadily wearing off. Normal feelings are settling in again. I struggle with meaning and with purpose. I wonder what my life is going to be like this year when I move somewhere. I try to keep a brave face on and smile and talk about how excited I am about moving out on my own this fall and forging my life in a new place with new normals and new friends and everything.

See, I've moved out before, but I wasn't on my own. I had someone that I was seriously dating and we were together all the time. I was barely ever alone except when I was sleeping. After we broke up I was in recovery mode and stayed as busy as I could and barely made it through a few months. Once I realized that I was okay and that life was indeed continuing, I had made the decision to go on REACH, was in the middle of preparations for chorale tour, finishing up things at work, moving and then headed straight to camp. Camp kept me busy out of my mind all summer and then I headed straight to REACH, which also kept me busy. DTS was so good and changed me so much and gave me so much hope for the future and really fueled my fire to follow after God.

I then headed off to Africa with my team for six months. It was good. It was horrible. It was painful. It was amazing. I miss it. I regret that I spent so much of my time there longing to be home. I regret that it took me so long to adjust. I am glad that I finally did adjust to the culture, but I wish it hadn't taken me three months. I was never alone. There were always five other people within shouting distance who were there to listen to me and keep me accountable (even when I didn't want them to be there). I love those people. I miss those people. I don't think I've even allowed myself to think about how much I miss those people and miss those conversations and the fellowship until just this moment. I feel so sad. So lonely. So alone.

I miss Fibi. I miss her precious, little smile and holding her hand and the bond that we had even though we couldn't understand a word the other said. I miss my friend Gilbert. I miss his funny mannerisms and his smile and his sweltering hot hut in the middle of the Congolese part of the refugee camp. I miss Cecilia and her funny expressions. I miss talking with her about life in Kenya versus life in America. I miss her exclamations and laughter and I miss being goofy with her. I miss Sunday and his obsession with animated movies. I miss him urging us on (climbing up a mountain) by talking about the dragon scroll (from Kung Fu Panda). I miss wanting to punch his face in as I'm clinging to a mountain side and he keeps going on about there being no secret ingredient - believe in yourself (another Kung Fu Panda reference)! Well, at that moment I wanted to punch his face in. Once I made it to the top of the mountain and saw the view and how far I'd come, I wanted to give him a big hug. It was one of those things I never would have attempted on my own if it wasn't for his (and my team's) encouragement. I accomplished something I didn't even think I was capable of doing. It was beautiful. It was freeing.

I have a feeling that I'm at the bottom of a new mountain now and I'm wondering how in the world I'm ever going to claw my way to the top. It looks so far away and the journey is perilous. One misstep could send me to my death. I forget that I'm not in this alone. I am surrounded by friends and family who have my back. I do need to make decisions, though, and I do need to continue to move forward.

I've realized over the past few months that I've let myself grind to a halt in my life. I've been afraid to commit to things long term, because what if I make the wrong choice? What if I move to the wrong place? What if I choose the wrong person to get close to? What if I choose the wrong college? What if I choose the wrong program of study? It's been so much easier to pursue short-term commitments and to avoid making any decision that will nail down my future. I'm afraid of commitment. I never saw this coming, I would have laughed in anyone's face who told me this. I've always viewed myself as a very committed person who is a hard worker and can overcome anything anyone puts in front of me.

I've realized that I'm afraid, though. What happens if someone puts something in front of me that I can't overcome? What if I make a bad decision? So it's been easier to float along, never committing to anything. Now that I realize this, I'm determined to change it. I cannot, I will not, float through life never committing to anyone or anything.

I may commit to relationships that will leave scars. I may be abandoned or laughed at. I also may be unconditionally accepted and my life may be filled with joy and love. I may make the decision to go to college and something may not work out. I might run out of money or the classes might be too hard or I might find that I hate a career that I studied for four years to get into. Or I might find that I can overcome all the obstacles and thoroughly enjoy my career of choice. I'll never know if I don't try. And if I try I need to commit and move forward. *takes a deep breath* I can do this. I will. The decision doesn't need to be made this evening (thank goodness), but I will continue to move forward. I will be giving up far too much simply to avoid risk. There are risks that I must take.

I don't know how it's all going to work out. I'm still afraid of being alone. Today I just had a wave of emotion overcoming me that told me that I'm going to be alone forever. Maybe I will be, but I'll never know unless I put myself out there and open myself up to the risk of being rejected. How can I be accepted if I don't also have the opportunity to be rejected? If I am destined to be alone in this life, I refuse to take it sitting down. I am going to enjoy this life and I am going to make something out of myself - whether with someone or by myself.

The comforting thing in all this is the assurance that I am not alone. I don't honestly know where God is right now or where we stand, but I do know that I'm not alone. He is there and He is watching over me and He loves me. Somehow it's all going to work out and He has a plan for my life that is better than any crazy romantic storyline I could think up for my own life.

That's a lot to think about. It's been good to get it all out. Writing it out makes my thoughts more concrete. It helps me to deal with things - to acknowledge them and figure out a way that I'm going to overcome them. Because I will overcome this.

Our Victory in Christ (Romans 8)
26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;

27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;

30 and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?

32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

33 Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies;

34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.

35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 Just as it is written,
"FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;
WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED."

37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.

38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

amen.