Another experience, another end. I didn't think I would be sad. But I am. I'm finding that's the case a lot recently. As I said in my last post, that first week of Choral Camp was really hard. I now realize, looking back, that I was experiencing a lot of spiritual attack. By the middle of that first week, I was completely breaking down and convinced that I was absolutely incompetent, a social misfit and in the way more than I was being a help. I don't think any of that was true. But of course, at the time, that's all I could see. I talked and prayed with a couple amazing people and that really helped, especially when one person specifically prayed against Satan. I could feel the burden lifting - it was one of those crazy, cool, and a terrifying moments when the supernatural is so real and close that I can sense it.

Choral Camp was so hard, but was also so good for me spiritually. It completely forced me to rely on God again. Utterly and completely. What can I do when I'm at the end of myself and the little bit of strength that I do possess? Nothing other than sit down and give up or run into the arms of my Savior. And thanks be to God - He drew me to His side. I'm still not back where I was before I went to Africa. I'm still not where I want to be, but I've taken another step in that direction.

I desire God so much. I want Him. I want more of Him. I want to feel His Holy Spirit here with me. I want to hear His voice. I want to know where He's leading me and I want to follow Him. I want to feel His strength moving through me, giving me the ability to follow Him where I may not want to tread. Oh, how desperately I want this and how greatly I fear it. What if it leads me where I don't want to go? But how can I not want to go where He is leading me - where He is going?

As I've been drawing nearer to God and as my heart has been broken again and again (not broken as in I got dumped or anything broken, but broken by the difficulties of life and the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit) and is being re-knit together by my Savior, Satan has moved on from the tactic of self-doubt to another area of weakness. He is targeting my emotional side. I know this is Satan - it is so overwhelming I can barely stand it. I need Jesus to get me through this.

I can't do life on my own strength. I fail without Jesus. I want a relationship - I don't want to walk the path of this life alone. What if Jesus wants me to walk with only Him for awhile - or for the rest of my life? I don't want to spend all my days longing or being miserable. That's what I am when I focus on a relationship too much - miserable. It saps my energy and my joy and I obsess over worldly things.

A verse that came to mind at campfire the other night was:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

As I meditated on that, the second part of that verse came to mind.

So that you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good and perfect will.

God, what does that mean? How do I not conform? How do I cast off all the social pressure around me and find your face in the midst of it all? How do I tune out the noise and hear your still, small voice? How do I gather the strength from you that I need in order to follow you? Lord, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak.

In some ways, life feels like a hopeless mess at the moment. In other ways, it feels new and fresh and exciting. God is doing something - I can feel it. I know He is here and I know He has not left me. I know that He loves me and I know that He has a plan for me - a plan that is better than any scenario I can dream up. God, help my unbelief on the bad days.

I had another amazing God moment this past week. It was Wednesday and I was scheduled to lead the last campfire worship time for the little kids. On the previous week the campfire had gone really bad. It felt like everything that could go wrong did and I left feeling defeated and shaken. I did not want this week to be like that. I wanted this last campfire to be awesome for the kids, I wanted to be in the center of God's will, and I (probably selfishly) wanted to have one awesome last memory of leading campfire worship.

I sat down with Rebecca (one of the singers on my worship team), and we prayed for awhile. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to pray out against Satan and spiritual attack. I had felt such a burden on my heart - I just needed to sit down and pray. I felt so victorious after that prayer. The worship time went really well. The kids got into it, and I think we were able to partake in a beautiful worship time. For the longest time working at LH, I didn't see how doing funny motions and singing fun songs could be worship. God has been revealing that to me over the past few years, though, and I think that night it finally clicked into place once and for all. Those kids are worshiping as they sing praise to God and dance along with silly motions. Those truths in those songs will come back to them years from now. The Holy Spirit will be faithful to bring them back to them.

I don't know how to even explain it, but the Holy Spirit was so strong there that night. I felt His joy welling up in me so powerfully. Nothing could stop me or the saints around that campfire that night. Not wind blowing my pages around, not an out of tune guitar, not nerves, not a sore knee. God was there and I praised Him. Despite it all, and it was so beautiful. It was a breath of fresh air. And at that moment, I knew I was doing exactly what God had called me to do. I fit in and I felt like I was completely in line with God's plan. I desperately desire to be in that place more often.

Please pray for me as I continue to seek God's face and His will. I want to continue to want Him. I want to serve Him and I want to leave myself and my desires behind. Please give me the strength, Lord Jesus.