I feel like I should be writing something, but I'm not quite sure what. So, I simply will write. We're almost a week into our family vacation. It's been a lot of fun, and a bit stressful at times. I've seen a lot of the country side. I can't quite comprehend just how much the landscape can vary within just a few hundred miles! I'm also amazed at the vast creativity I see in nature around me. It inspires me and makes me more in awe of God.

Things with God have been going really well. I've been praying more. Conference really gave me the encouragement that I needed. It was wonderful to be able to worship God and not have to worry about being a part of the worship team. The messages were applicable and challenging. I have also been having some good conversations with a friend and that is encouraging me to continue to press into God.

I desperately need alone time. Even as I sit here and type this, Josh and Aaron are bickering back and forth and then Joshua erupts into a nonsensical song. The introverted side of me is starting to make the whole of me feel very shriveled up and frustrated. It's bad news because I start to get much more short-tempered. Yet, if I try to withdraw and recharge, my family gets frustrated and insists on trying to break into my bubble I'm trying to build - which only makes me more irritated. If I try to go have alone time in the lobby or fitness room, mom either sends someone down after me because she's worried about me or tells me how worried she's been while I've been gone when I get back. To tell the truth, I'm feeling a tad bit smothered. I did live on my own for nine months after all - I didn't die then, I don't know why I'd die in the lobby of the hotel. That's beyond the point, though.

All this said, I still want to make it clear that I love my family and am enjoying getting to spend time with them. I don't know if we'll ever take a vacation together as a family like this again. And you never know what's right around the bend - how much more time I will be blessed to have with them. So, I'm trying to shove down the feelings of frustration and irritation - at least for another week. Then I can get a little bit of space.

Something I was thinking about this afternoon was forgiveness. As I am continuing to ensure that I have an attitude of forgiveness toward people who hurt me in Africa (as well as toward people who have hurt me over the years), I wonder just exactly what forgiveness is. During my most recent conversations about it, I was told that forgiveness is a choice. It's not necessarily a feeling, but a decision to not hold that person accountable any longer. It must be extended even when the warm fuzzies are not there. Ok, that's all good and well, and probably true. But as I continue to live this out, I wonder what exactly to continue to do with feelings of betrayal and the pain that people have caused me. Is it really as "easy" as saying, "I'm just not going to worry about it anymore - they're in God's hands."? Or is that avoiding the issue? I guess what I'm wondering is how to ensure that I am healing and experiencing true forgiveness in my heart and not simply an intellectual forgiveness while all the while wounds and bitterness are festering in my heart. I feel like my main problem is that while I'm saying over and over "I forgive so and so," there are wounds and struggles inside me that I am not addressing. I feel like if I try to address those wounds and how much it hurt, then I'm rescinding my forgiveness and back at square one. Maybe that's not the truth, though. At any rate - that's something that's been on my mind a bit recently (along with countless other things).