I'm either becoming an insomniac or my days and nights are slowly but surely getting switched. I fall into bed anytime after midnight only to find that the second my head hits the pillow, I'm no longer tired. I lay there for a few minutes - sometimes longer than others - before I decide that laying there wide awake is pointless. One night I found an online college that offers two different web design degrees. Another night I read a large chunk of a book I've been reading. One night I watched a disc of season five of the Office. I need to remedy this situation, because it's not a healthy habit to be getting into. I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to the farmer's market, so maybe that will help break the cycle.

My room is in the same state of disarray that it has been for a week. Each night as I'm attempting to fall asleep I give myself a pep talk about all that I will get accomplished the following day. My rating on Asobrain.com for the Xplorers (Settlers of Catan) game has finally gotten out of the negative. Other than that I haven't done a whole bunch. I need to finish sorting all this stuff in my room. I need to take pictures of this box of stuff I want to list on Ebay. I did set up at Etsy.com shop the other day. Now I just need to take pictures and list some of my handmade items. It's so hard for me to be motivated right now.

The date for moving to Florida has gotten pushed back by a month. I'm kind of okay with it - I'm also disappointed. I am glad to get to visit some family friends that I haven't seen in awhile and to get to spend fall break with Aaron, but I'm also ready for a routine and to get settled and I really need money soon. It is what it is, though. Now the moving date is the end of October.

I'm reading a book that a friend suggested - Lies that Young Women Believe. It was suggested earlier this summer and recently I think I've realized that it's something that I really do need to read. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the lies are hitting me from every direction. There are a lot of lies I believe about myself. I wish the book had focused more on that. How do I believe the truth and get rid of these feelings and thoughts that I have about myself? Ugh, I feel so worthless most days. Even if I can rationally write out a list of positive things about myself, I feel the bad things about myself. I feel the hopeless things. I can only think the positive things. I need to let the Truth control my emotions.

Life is so incredibly difficult and painful and scary. Sometimes I wonder how I'll make it all the way through it. How does anyone?

People always say that crying is okay and to let myself cry, but why does it feel so terrible?

I was watching a tv show last night - Vampire Diaries - and the main character said something along the lines of: I don't want to allow myself to be happy for even one moment, because it will all crash in on me and I don't know how I'd survive. (Or something similar to that). It almost made me cry. That's exactly how I feel. I'm so afraid to hope. I'm so afraid to allow myself to be happy and enjoy life, because inevitably, that happiness is going to fade and hard times will return. I can't stand the crashing. It's easier sometimes to live in the pit of despair than to try to climb out only to find myself sitting on my butt at the bottom of the pit again a few weeks later. I know I can't stay there. I know it - in my head. But how do I get that to my heart and muster up the courage to grab onto hope and pursue hope in my life?

This was a fairly weird progression of thoughts. I was going to keep things lighter tonight. *sigh* oh well.