Recently I have become extremely undisciplined. I think it's because I've lost motivation in my day to day living here - I have no job, no academics - nothing to keep me focused, nothing to challenge me, and nothing to keep me striving for more. So, where does that show up first? My spiritual life, of course.

I have been incredibly unfaithful recently in my walk with God. I pray, and I desire to do what's right, but I don't open my Bible - I don't even make an effort. Yet, for all my unfaithfulness, God has continued to show Himself faithful, and He hasn't walked away - although I don't think I'd blame Him if He had. As I struggle through each day, He continues to reveal more and more to me as I think about my life.

A few weeks ago I came to the realization that as an American, I have been taught to pursue happiness with everything in me. All of us have inalienable rights - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, right? I've taken my liberty and pursuit of happiness to the extreme. I balk at anyone who tells me what to do - I'm a free person - I can make my own decisions. If something is making me unhappy, I strive to get away from it. I strive to find happiness.

I've learned over the years, the more I try to be happy, the more miserable I am. It's counterproductive to pursue happiness. As I was thinking about this, I realized this is another one of those instances where my identity as a follower of Christ needs to trump my identity as an American. My chief goals in life should not be to pursue my happiness and try to get ahead - my chief goal in life should be to pursue God with everything in me.

End of story for a few weeks. Nothing really changed - I mean, I realized this truth and thought about it, but it didn't really change anything.

This past week, I hit another bump in the road. In the middle of feeling extremely unhappy and freaking about about the H1N1 virus and other maladies, I just hit a wall where I panicked and realized I couldn't do this for the next 50-75 years. I would go crazy if I had to deal with life this same way for the rest of my life. It was a moment of complete desperation.

All of a sudden, I realized something. I need to not only be pursuing God (instead of my happiness), I also need to be pursuing things that will bring glory to God. See, the first (pursuing God) is true, but it's rather ambiguous - it's hard to get a clear action plan for that and it's hard to motivate me to change my actions throughout the day. Bringing glory to God, on the other hand, has very clear parameters. As I've realized this, I come to given situations and I look at them and ask myself, "How can I bring glory to God in this situation?" It also gives me motivation to do things I otherwise would avoid doing, because I know it's the right thing and it's bringing glory to God.

I've also realized, from experience and from logic, that the more I'm striving after bringing glory to God, the happier I will be. It's an amazing byproduct of the whole thing. As I'm bringing glory to God, I'm doing what I was created to do - I'm doing the right thing - and as I realize this and experience this, it brings me joy and happiness. Also, as I take the pressure off of pursuing happiness and as finding happiness is no longer my sole aim, it's easier to find happiness in the small things.

It also makes it easier to live in this world. Truth is, I'm sad and lonely and confused about the future. It's easy to be unhappy. If I'm living life to be happy, then I might as well end it all, because experience and observation shows that life is going to be tough and I'm not going to be happy a lot of the time. However, if I'm living life to bring glory to God, well, then it's a win/win situation. In every single situation I face, there is a way to bring glory to God. There is not always a way to be happy. As I bring glory to God in each and every one of the situations that are presented to me, then I will experience joy and learn to truly live this life.