I got out my guitar case today to put away my capo, which has been sitting on my desk for at least the past month. Inspired by the bluegrass version of Relient K that I've been listening to, I tuned up my guitar and tried to play a few songs. I didn't get very far for a couple reasons.

I haven't played in one, possibly two months. My callouses and muscles in my left hand are shot. Second, all I can think about while I'm playing is how much I blew it back at choral camp. I was asked to lead the hour long worship time over the weekend for the counselors. I put hours and hours of preparation work into it. I put over five hours of actual practice time with my band into it. I prayed. I did everything I was taught to do as a worship leader. It was in the middle of my breaking down emotinoally. I was exhausted, I was hurting, I was trying to figure out things from the past and from the future while giving 100% of my energy to the campers. So what do I do? I get up there and one whole song falls apart. Awesome God, Holy God - which used to be one of my favorites. Now I can't sing it without remembering that terrible moment when all the music stopped and I had seventy some people staring at me from the pews.

It was horrible. It was embarrassing. I promised myself I would never lead worship again, or maybe even be on another worship team (I really blew it another morning a few days later when I tried to play guitar). I haven't even really played since then. I felt betrayed. I was trying so hard to do things the right way and to do it for God and He still let it fall apart. I knew a couple of people on the worship team and in the congregation were judging me... We have a long history (that's gone sour recently) and they're very critically musically. Many people from the Mennonite world I live in were there. I wonder how many of them look at me and think "Oh, yeah, that's the girl that really blew it during worship at choral camp?"

It's all I can think about now when I try to play. That and trying desperately to lead worship for my team in Kenya when I was so dry spiritually and just wanting to cry instead of struggling through the worship songs. I don't enjoy playing any more. I feel tormented while I play. I hate it. I used to love playing and I loved being a part of the worship team. Now it's just another burden in my life.