Life is going well again. I no longer feel any over-arching animosity toward God. I've worked through a lot of my fears and doubts and anger from the past. It was one of those times where you know how you should feel and what you should think, but your emotions just don't line up with what you know. I'm so glad that God is big enough to handle my anger and doubt.

Despite leaving that behind (for now), I still don't feel that closeness that I long for. I don't feel like God is my best friend and I don't feel like I must spend time with Him or my world is going to come to an end. I have had times like that before in my life, and I miss them. I miss being able to feel the presence of God throughout my day and I miss feeling the emotional part of love for Him. I know that this is for a reason, and it's very possibly for the reason of maturing my faith. I want to be at a point where I can have these dry seasons of life and still cling to God - still spend time with Him and be joyful. I'm not there yet.

I honestly don't even know how to get there. I guess I'll keep plugging along. I'll keep praying and keep searching and trusting that God is guiding me even when I don't feel Him. He has a way of doing that.

Change of topic... I have been thinking a lot the past couple days about what I want my life to look like. Do I want to be a missionary is some far-off country? Do I want to live in America and have the big house and easy life? Do I want to be a web designer? A teacher? A waitress? I honestly have no idea. There is that one part of me that of course longs for the easy life and for all the money and possessions that I could lay my hands on. Then there's the larger part of me that cringes at the idea. I don't want to chase after the American Dream. Really, I don't. I honestly think I'd rather live in a small house with close friends and family around and with a loving immediate family. I'd rather give the extra that I have to help people who need help - whether that be in Africa or my own neighborhood. Money and possessions will not bring fulfillment. Chasing after money and possessions will only leave me in debt and frustrated. Giving away money and possessions leaves me feeling light at heart and good knowing that I helped another in a time of need.

I don't know what I want to do for a profession. Ideally, I'd love to have a job where I can stay home with my future children. I'm not sure what would readily lend itself to that. More and more in our culture, I see families where both parents simply have to work full-time to be able to pay the bills. I wonder, is that the way it has to be regardless? Has the cost of living risen so much that nowadays it's nearly impossible to have a family where a mother stays home (unless the father has a job as a brain surgeon or something like that)? Or is it possible if a family lives within their means, even if that means giving up some of the conveniences that people around them may have? I don't know. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to figure this out until I'm in the middle of it someday. Do I need to figure it out now? I want to figure it out now.

Isn't that so typical? I always want to know what the next thing is. I'm thinking ahead as soon as whatever I've been waiting for arrives. I want to live in the moment. I want to soak in the joy and the newness of each situation. I don't want to worry about the future. The fact of the matter is that I'm never going to know what's going on, really. Each new day can bring a host of unexpected events. I need to be okay with that. So, I'm working on it.

Those are my ramblings for today.

PS. I lost NaNoWriMo (not officially yet, but I will in two days or so). Sad day.