My heart is breaking. It's amazing how the pain can make you feel alive and dead all at the same time. I'm worn out from trying to be okay. I felt like I could barely smile today at church. It's all crashing down.

I'm going to be okay. I always am. I know God is in control and that God has a good plan, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm trying to live like I trust God, but I'm doing a terrible job of it. Paying off debt, going back to Africa, questions about college, questions about relationships... They all are stressing me out and showing my lack of trust in my Savior.

Man, I need to cling to my Jesus. I need to cling to the Truth. Father, help me.

It's been a long time. For a very long time my relationship with God has not been where it needs to be. I've had moments of what it used to be like. I've had the moments of worship where I lose myself in Christ. I've had the moments of prayer where I'm taken away to another place. I've had moments where I'm lost in the love of my Savior, but it hasn't lasted over the past year. It was always just enough to remind me of what it's like. It was always just enough to spur me on. It was always just enough to make me continue to search for the face of my Savior and my place in His plan.

My relationship with God fell apart in Africa. I'm still not sure why. I was so angry with God at the time. Why then? Why did He allow that to happen when I needed Him so bad? Since then I've become resigned. Living in a state of confusion and distance from God seemed to be all I could manage.

Why did God allow it? I don't know. I honestly believe it made me a stronger person. Through it all, I learned that I'm stronger than I know (through Christ of course - nothing in me is good apart from Christ). I learned that God can still be there working in my life even when I don't feel Him. If anything, my faith in Christ is stronger than before.

I think I've finally come out of it. I've thought that before and I know I was wrong, but I really believe it this time. It's like everything has changed. It's not that life is perfect. No, not at all. Right now my heart aches and fear of the unknown looms before me. Through it all, though, a deep peace is flooding my heart. A quiet joy steals into the sorrow and leaves no room for sadness. Somehow I know it's going to be all right. It's not all going to be easy or turn out the way I want it to, but it's going to turn out God's way, which is better than any story I can write for myself.

It's so clear to me again that life isn't about me. I mean, sure, I walk around in this body and have to deal with the things that come my way. Sometimes it may feel like the world is ending, but ultimately it isn't about me. There's a bigger picture that I am playing a part in. It's up to me - am I going to do things my way and only make a small ripple or am I going to allow God to use me, no strings attached, and see how big of a wave He can make with my life?

Everything isn't easy, but everything is under God's control. It's not God's goal in life to make me happy - it is His goal to make me Holy. Refining Fire, fall on me.