Every time I sit down to write, I'm left with the overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't write anymore. I'm not sure why this is. I do want to write. Writing helps me release everything churning inside me and it helps me to make sense of this mess of a life that I live. I think the reason I'm less inclined to write is because in the past, writing has always been about honesty. It's been one place I could coherently express what I was thinking and feeling. Now, I'm less likely to be honest with people.

I always loved the fact that I was honest with people - I would share my deepest thoughts and fears and I let people know what I was thinking. However, over the years, time and time again, I've been hurt and rejected for being honest. Recently I was delivered the final blow and it finally happened - I no longer want to be open. I no longer trust people. I now wholeheartedly believe that if I let people see what's really going on inside of me, they'll leave me because I'm too much work. I'm too messed up. I don't want to open up to tell people how badly I'm hurting, how afraid I really am. How lonely I am, how much it hurts. I don't trust people anymore. Who really wants to hear about how messed up I am anyway?

So I have this dilemma. The part of me that always loved being honest longs to spill it all out and to tell people how I'm feeling - to give them a window into my soul. Then there is the part of me that is broken and bruised, seemingly beyond recovery. It's the part that's been trampled on and rejected and betrayed. That part holds me back. Even when I have a listening ear, words don't come anymore. I'm left trying to guard myself - to save myself from further rejection and betrayal. How can I live life this way? How do I go through life not being honest about how I'm doing or what I'm feeling? On the other hand, how do I go through life being honest? It's too dangerous and it hurts too much.