I've been thinking a lot recently about my life. I'm not overly happy with where I'm at. In the past, this has been problematic, but not overly so. I always had the mentality that things would be better once I was "grown up". Once I graduated from college, once I got back from Africa, once I got a job... Things were supposed to get better. Life was supposed to "start". Now I find myself thinking "once I start dating again", "once I get married", "once I get placed in a permanent position at work that I enjoy more". The realization hit me the other day, however - life is now. I'm 23... It may not be that old in the grand scheme of things... But still, 23! Quite possibly a quarter of my life is over. Once I start dating again, once I get married (if I ever do), once I get a permanent job that I may or may not enjoy, I'm only going to be looking forward to the next thing. Before I know it, I will have spent my entire life looking forward to my life starting and all of a sudden it will be over. Suddenly, not being happy with where I'm at in life is a huge problem. This is my life. Like it or not, I have one shot at it and this is where I'm at.

So how do I seize the day? Carpe diem? What does this look like through the eyes of a brokenhearted and disillusioned girl stuck in a job that she doesn't like? Changes are on the horizon, and for that I'm grateful, however, I know myself. I'm going to be no happier once things change. It will be just another thing I'm longing for and saying "if only I could have that then I would be happy!"

Some friends and I were discussing our lives and whether or not we are a good example of Christ to those around us. What kind of legacy are we leaving? I had to fight off tears. I'm a broken person wandering through a messed up life. I'm short-tempered and selfish and full of negativity. What type of Christ-like-ness is there in me? I have a heart that thinks like Christ sometimes - I care so much about people and I long to do the right thing - but it never turns out right. I say something to mess it up or I lose my temper or just do something incredibly selfish. I focus on the negative and on the worldly things. I can't see beyond my current problems and pains and I all but drown in them.

So again, how do I seize the day? How do I show Christ to my co-workers and to my friends and to my family? How do I live like Christ when all I can manage to think about is how I feel at the moment? When I'm feeling good, I'm flying high and thinking about how wonderful life is. When I'm feeling bad, it's all I can do to drag myself through the motions of the day. How do I focus on spiritual things? How do I keep my eyes on Jesus? How do I let myself go? How do I make decisions that are based on being like Christ and not on what makes me feel good and is something that I would enjoy? And how do you know if taking joy is okay or if you're putting too much emphasis on the joy and not enough on Christ?

A lot of questions. Few answers.