Dear World,

It's been awhile. As I look back on my blog, I see I left all of you dear readers with my thoughts on life and how it was going to pass me by if I didn't seize it. Gone are the days of saying, "When my life starts, then I will.... [fill in the blank]". This is my life. I still think about that frequently.

I have a new job now. I really love it. To be sure I have my frustrations and days that I'd rather be home, but I really enjoy my coworkers and the location is so much closer to my where I live. The work takes more brain power than my last job, which I also enjoy. I've been able to learn a lot and get a taste of the accounting world. To my surprise, I found that I'm good at it and enjoy it. Who would have thought? All along I thought I was supposed to have some crazy creative job, but I think honestly this is what I was made for. There are challenged and puzzles to figure out, but everything has it's rules and places they belong. I like that a lot.

I'm so tired of my insecurities. I don't even know how to express how tired of them I am. I long to be confident and sure of myself. I long to be able to take criticism without shriveling up and dying inside. I long to be able to take jokes, no matter how in bad taste they are, about my personality. I'm so tired of breaking tears or coming home and breaking into tears because of something that someone said. I'm so tired of feeling like I don't measure up to everyone else in this world. I'm so tired of feeling insignificant. I'm so tired of believing what I know are lies. It doesn't matter how much I know they're lies. I just can't overcome them. I feel powerless.

I know my relationship with God isn't where it should be. I don't rely on him totally. I don't put Him first. Last week I had a phrase that was on repeat in my mind: "It's all about Jesus, It's all about Jesus, It's all about Jesus." It's so true. It's all about Jesus. Our house parent told us that during REACH training a lot. It was so easy back then when our entire schedule revolved around loving and serving Jesus. It's a lot harder here in the real world. I'm just now beginning to realize the truth and depth of it, though.

The only way to overcome our sins - the only way to become more holy - is to focus solely on the face of Jesus. I don't beat the lust in my life by trying not to think lustful thoughts. I beat lust by looking at the face of Jesus and being transformed by my relationship with Him. When I am so focused on Him that there's no room for anything else, that's when I can overcome my sin. I've been reading a lot of articles recently that go along with Christ reminding me of that truth. It's cool how God does that.

I want so badly to leave it all behind. My lust, my fear, my insecurities, my greed, my hypocrisy, my jealousies. I was to leave it all behind. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be His daughter - pure and undefiled by all of those things. I don't want these scars anymore. I don't to feel beaten and bruised and struggle to just make it through some days.

Is that unrealistic? Am I asking God to be my fairy godmother and wave a magic wand and make my life perfect? Or does God want to heal me and make me fulfilled and help me to leave all these struggles behind? I don't know. I know we will always have struggles. But am I meant to have the same struggles my entire life? I'm ready to grow beyond this. I'm ready. God, please, I'm ready.

I have no idea how I used to not like David Crowder's music. His lyrics are so beautiful. I'm going to post some of them below.

And what was said to the rose to make it unfold
Was said to me, here in my chest
So be quiet now, and rest.



The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory
You are glorious You are glorious
From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious
Which leads me to believe
why I can believe


You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious.
You are glorious. You are glorious.