I got out my guitar case today to put away my capo, which has been sitting on my desk for at least the past month. Inspired by the bluegrass version of Relient K that I've been listening to, I tuned up my guitar and tried to play a few songs. I didn't get very far for a couple reasons.

I haven't played in one, possibly two months. My callouses and muscles in my left hand are shot. Second, all I can think about while I'm playing is how much I blew it back at choral camp. I was asked to lead the hour long worship time over the weekend for the counselors. I put hours and hours of preparation work into it. I put over five hours of actual practice time with my band into it. I prayed. I did everything I was taught to do as a worship leader. It was in the middle of my breaking down emotinoally. I was exhausted, I was hurting, I was trying to figure out things from the past and from the future while giving 100% of my energy to the campers. So what do I do? I get up there and one whole song falls apart. Awesome God, Holy God - which used to be one of my favorites. Now I can't sing it without remembering that terrible moment when all the music stopped and I had seventy some people staring at me from the pews.

It was horrible. It was embarrassing. I promised myself I would never lead worship again, or maybe even be on another worship team (I really blew it another morning a few days later when I tried to play guitar). I haven't even really played since then. I felt betrayed. I was trying so hard to do things the right way and to do it for God and He still let it fall apart. I knew a couple of people on the worship team and in the congregation were judging me... We have a long history (that's gone sour recently) and they're very critically musically. Many people from the Mennonite world I live in were there. I wonder how many of them look at me and think "Oh, yeah, that's the girl that really blew it during worship at choral camp?"

It's all I can think about now when I try to play. That and trying desperately to lead worship for my team in Kenya when I was so dry spiritually and just wanting to cry instead of struggling through the worship songs. I don't enjoy playing any more. I feel tormented while I play. I hate it. I used to love playing and I loved being a part of the worship team. Now it's just another burden in my life.

Another experience, another end. I didn't think I would be sad. But I am. I'm finding that's the case a lot recently. As I said in my last post, that first week of Choral Camp was really hard. I now realize, looking back, that I was experiencing a lot of spiritual attack. By the middle of that first week, I was completely breaking down and convinced that I was absolutely incompetent, a social misfit and in the way more than I was being a help. I don't think any of that was true. But of course, at the time, that's all I could see. I talked and prayed with a couple amazing people and that really helped, especially when one person specifically prayed against Satan. I could feel the burden lifting - it was one of those crazy, cool, and a terrifying moments when the supernatural is so real and close that I can sense it.

Choral Camp was so hard, but was also so good for me spiritually. It completely forced me to rely on God again. Utterly and completely. What can I do when I'm at the end of myself and the little bit of strength that I do possess? Nothing other than sit down and give up or run into the arms of my Savior. And thanks be to God - He drew me to His side. I'm still not back where I was before I went to Africa. I'm still not where I want to be, but I've taken another step in that direction.

I desire God so much. I want Him. I want more of Him. I want to feel His Holy Spirit here with me. I want to hear His voice. I want to know where He's leading me and I want to follow Him. I want to feel His strength moving through me, giving me the ability to follow Him where I may not want to tread. Oh, how desperately I want this and how greatly I fear it. What if it leads me where I don't want to go? But how can I not want to go where He is leading me - where He is going?

As I've been drawing nearer to God and as my heart has been broken again and again (not broken as in I got dumped or anything broken, but broken by the difficulties of life and the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit) and is being re-knit together by my Savior, Satan has moved on from the tactic of self-doubt to another area of weakness. He is targeting my emotional side. I know this is Satan - it is so overwhelming I can barely stand it. I need Jesus to get me through this.

I can't do life on my own strength. I fail without Jesus. I want a relationship - I don't want to walk the path of this life alone. What if Jesus wants me to walk with only Him for awhile - or for the rest of my life? I don't want to spend all my days longing or being miserable. That's what I am when I focus on a relationship too much - miserable. It saps my energy and my joy and I obsess over worldly things.

A verse that came to mind at campfire the other night was:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

As I meditated on that, the second part of that verse came to mind.

So that you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good and perfect will.

God, what does that mean? How do I not conform? How do I cast off all the social pressure around me and find your face in the midst of it all? How do I tune out the noise and hear your still, small voice? How do I gather the strength from you that I need in order to follow you? Lord, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak.

In some ways, life feels like a hopeless mess at the moment. In other ways, it feels new and fresh and exciting. God is doing something - I can feel it. I know He is here and I know He has not left me. I know that He loves me and I know that He has a plan for me - a plan that is better than any scenario I can dream up. God, help my unbelief on the bad days.

I had another amazing God moment this past week. It was Wednesday and I was scheduled to lead the last campfire worship time for the little kids. On the previous week the campfire had gone really bad. It felt like everything that could go wrong did and I left feeling defeated and shaken. I did not want this week to be like that. I wanted this last campfire to be awesome for the kids, I wanted to be in the center of God's will, and I (probably selfishly) wanted to have one awesome last memory of leading campfire worship.

I sat down with Rebecca (one of the singers on my worship team), and we prayed for awhile. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to pray out against Satan and spiritual attack. I had felt such a burden on my heart - I just needed to sit down and pray. I felt so victorious after that prayer. The worship time went really well. The kids got into it, and I think we were able to partake in a beautiful worship time. For the longest time working at LH, I didn't see how doing funny motions and singing fun songs could be worship. God has been revealing that to me over the past few years, though, and I think that night it finally clicked into place once and for all. Those kids are worshiping as they sing praise to God and dance along with silly motions. Those truths in those songs will come back to them years from now. The Holy Spirit will be faithful to bring them back to them.

I don't know how to even explain it, but the Holy Spirit was so strong there that night. I felt His joy welling up in me so powerfully. Nothing could stop me or the saints around that campfire that night. Not wind blowing my pages around, not an out of tune guitar, not nerves, not a sore knee. God was there and I praised Him. Despite it all, and it was so beautiful. It was a breath of fresh air. And at that moment, I knew I was doing exactly what God had called me to do. I fit in and I felt like I was completely in line with God's plan. I desperately desire to be in that place more often.

Please pray for me as I continue to seek God's face and His will. I want to continue to want Him. I want to serve Him and I want to leave myself and my desires behind. Please give me the strength, Lord Jesus.

This past week of Choral Camp has been rough. It's been hard being thrown into a schedule and camp that most everyone has been a part of since they were campers. There are a lot of assumptions made regarding the knowledge of the counselors with the schedule and the way things are done. I basically am starting from scratch and didn't know much at all. That kind of thing generally freaks me out. So I spent the first few days of camp feeling terrible and freaking out.

It finally caught up with my Wednesday night and I cried for awhile. I think I'm also feeling really worn out and tired from REACH and the fact that I haven't taken any time to just exist since I've been home. There's always been something I needed to accomplish.

I think this next week will be better. I have a better grasp on the schedule and I have a few things that I'm really good at that I can grasp onto and throw myself into. I know more people now, which will help.

I think one thing that's made me really frustrated about this week is that I've been really unsure of myself. When I'm unsure of myself, I don't talk and I withdraw. So, then I am the quiet, shy girl. I'm not deep down, but my insecurities cripple me. I don't know what to do about it. I guess people will just have to get to know me to see that I'm not that shy and quiet person they all assume.

So, that's a little update. I was planning on staying in OH next weekend, but I decided I'm exhausted and burnt out enough I need to just go home and get some rest before heading out west for conference and vacation.