Dear World,

It's been awhile. As I look back on my blog, I see I left all of you dear readers with my thoughts on life and how it was going to pass me by if I didn't seize it. Gone are the days of saying, "When my life starts, then I will.... [fill in the blank]". This is my life. I still think about that frequently.

I have a new job now. I really love it. To be sure I have my frustrations and days that I'd rather be home, but I really enjoy my coworkers and the location is so much closer to my where I live. The work takes more brain power than my last job, which I also enjoy. I've been able to learn a lot and get a taste of the accounting world. To my surprise, I found that I'm good at it and enjoy it. Who would have thought? All along I thought I was supposed to have some crazy creative job, but I think honestly this is what I was made for. There are challenged and puzzles to figure out, but everything has it's rules and places they belong. I like that a lot.

I'm so tired of my insecurities. I don't even know how to express how tired of them I am. I long to be confident and sure of myself. I long to be able to take criticism without shriveling up and dying inside. I long to be able to take jokes, no matter how in bad taste they are, about my personality. I'm so tired of breaking tears or coming home and breaking into tears because of something that someone said. I'm so tired of feeling like I don't measure up to everyone else in this world. I'm so tired of feeling insignificant. I'm so tired of believing what I know are lies. It doesn't matter how much I know they're lies. I just can't overcome them. I feel powerless.

I know my relationship with God isn't where it should be. I don't rely on him totally. I don't put Him first. Last week I had a phrase that was on repeat in my mind: "It's all about Jesus, It's all about Jesus, It's all about Jesus." It's so true. It's all about Jesus. Our house parent told us that during REACH training a lot. It was so easy back then when our entire schedule revolved around loving and serving Jesus. It's a lot harder here in the real world. I'm just now beginning to realize the truth and depth of it, though.

The only way to overcome our sins - the only way to become more holy - is to focus solely on the face of Jesus. I don't beat the lust in my life by trying not to think lustful thoughts. I beat lust by looking at the face of Jesus and being transformed by my relationship with Him. When I am so focused on Him that there's no room for anything else, that's when I can overcome my sin. I've been reading a lot of articles recently that go along with Christ reminding me of that truth. It's cool how God does that.

I want so badly to leave it all behind. My lust, my fear, my insecurities, my greed, my hypocrisy, my jealousies. I was to leave it all behind. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be His daughter - pure and undefiled by all of those things. I don't want these scars anymore. I don't to feel beaten and bruised and struggle to just make it through some days.

Is that unrealistic? Am I asking God to be my fairy godmother and wave a magic wand and make my life perfect? Or does God want to heal me and make me fulfilled and help me to leave all these struggles behind? I don't know. I know we will always have struggles. But am I meant to have the same struggles my entire life? I'm ready to grow beyond this. I'm ready. God, please, I'm ready.

I have no idea how I used to not like David Crowder's music. His lyrics are so beautiful. I'm going to post some of them below.

And what was said to the rose to make it unfold
Was said to me, here in my chest
So be quiet now, and rest.



The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory
You are glorious You are glorious
From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious
Which leads me to believe
why I can believe


You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious.
You are glorious. You are glorious.

I've been thinking a lot recently about my life. I'm not overly happy with where I'm at. In the past, this has been problematic, but not overly so. I always had the mentality that things would be better once I was "grown up". Once I graduated from college, once I got back from Africa, once I got a job... Things were supposed to get better. Life was supposed to "start". Now I find myself thinking "once I start dating again", "once I get married", "once I get placed in a permanent position at work that I enjoy more". The realization hit me the other day, however - life is now. I'm 23... It may not be that old in the grand scheme of things... But still, 23! Quite possibly a quarter of my life is over. Once I start dating again, once I get married (if I ever do), once I get a permanent job that I may or may not enjoy, I'm only going to be looking forward to the next thing. Before I know it, I will have spent my entire life looking forward to my life starting and all of a sudden it will be over. Suddenly, not being happy with where I'm at in life is a huge problem. This is my life. Like it or not, I have one shot at it and this is where I'm at.

So how do I seize the day? Carpe diem? What does this look like through the eyes of a brokenhearted and disillusioned girl stuck in a job that she doesn't like? Changes are on the horizon, and for that I'm grateful, however, I know myself. I'm going to be no happier once things change. It will be just another thing I'm longing for and saying "if only I could have that then I would be happy!"

Some friends and I were discussing our lives and whether or not we are a good example of Christ to those around us. What kind of legacy are we leaving? I had to fight off tears. I'm a broken person wandering through a messed up life. I'm short-tempered and selfish and full of negativity. What type of Christ-like-ness is there in me? I have a heart that thinks like Christ sometimes - I care so much about people and I long to do the right thing - but it never turns out right. I say something to mess it up or I lose my temper or just do something incredibly selfish. I focus on the negative and on the worldly things. I can't see beyond my current problems and pains and I all but drown in them.

So again, how do I seize the day? How do I show Christ to my co-workers and to my friends and to my family? How do I live like Christ when all I can manage to think about is how I feel at the moment? When I'm feeling good, I'm flying high and thinking about how wonderful life is. When I'm feeling bad, it's all I can do to drag myself through the motions of the day. How do I focus on spiritual things? How do I keep my eyes on Jesus? How do I let myself go? How do I make decisions that are based on being like Christ and not on what makes me feel good and is something that I would enjoy? And how do you know if taking joy is okay or if you're putting too much emphasis on the joy and not enough on Christ?

A lot of questions. Few answers.

Every time I sit down to write, I'm left with the overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't write anymore. I'm not sure why this is. I do want to write. Writing helps me release everything churning inside me and it helps me to make sense of this mess of a life that I live. I think the reason I'm less inclined to write is because in the past, writing has always been about honesty. It's been one place I could coherently express what I was thinking and feeling. Now, I'm less likely to be honest with people.

I always loved the fact that I was honest with people - I would share my deepest thoughts and fears and I let people know what I was thinking. However, over the years, time and time again, I've been hurt and rejected for being honest. Recently I was delivered the final blow and it finally happened - I no longer want to be open. I no longer trust people. I now wholeheartedly believe that if I let people see what's really going on inside of me, they'll leave me because I'm too much work. I'm too messed up. I don't want to open up to tell people how badly I'm hurting, how afraid I really am. How lonely I am, how much it hurts. I don't trust people anymore. Who really wants to hear about how messed up I am anyway?

So I have this dilemma. The part of me that always loved being honest longs to spill it all out and to tell people how I'm feeling - to give them a window into my soul. Then there is the part of me that is broken and bruised, seemingly beyond recovery. It's the part that's been trampled on and rejected and betrayed. That part holds me back. Even when I have a listening ear, words don't come anymore. I'm left trying to guard myself - to save myself from further rejection and betrayal. How can I live life this way? How do I go through life not being honest about how I'm doing or what I'm feeling? On the other hand, how do I go through life being honest? It's too dangerous and it hurts too much.

My heart is breaking. It's amazing how the pain can make you feel alive and dead all at the same time. I'm worn out from trying to be okay. I felt like I could barely smile today at church. It's all crashing down.

I'm going to be okay. I always am. I know God is in control and that God has a good plan, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm trying to live like I trust God, but I'm doing a terrible job of it. Paying off debt, going back to Africa, questions about college, questions about relationships... They all are stressing me out and showing my lack of trust in my Savior.

Man, I need to cling to my Jesus. I need to cling to the Truth. Father, help me.

It's been a long time. For a very long time my relationship with God has not been where it needs to be. I've had moments of what it used to be like. I've had the moments of worship where I lose myself in Christ. I've had the moments of prayer where I'm taken away to another place. I've had moments where I'm lost in the love of my Savior, but it hasn't lasted over the past year. It was always just enough to remind me of what it's like. It was always just enough to spur me on. It was always just enough to make me continue to search for the face of my Savior and my place in His plan.

My relationship with God fell apart in Africa. I'm still not sure why. I was so angry with God at the time. Why then? Why did He allow that to happen when I needed Him so bad? Since then I've become resigned. Living in a state of confusion and distance from God seemed to be all I could manage.

Why did God allow it? I don't know. I honestly believe it made me a stronger person. Through it all, I learned that I'm stronger than I know (through Christ of course - nothing in me is good apart from Christ). I learned that God can still be there working in my life even when I don't feel Him. If anything, my faith in Christ is stronger than before.

I think I've finally come out of it. I've thought that before and I know I was wrong, but I really believe it this time. It's like everything has changed. It's not that life is perfect. No, not at all. Right now my heart aches and fear of the unknown looms before me. Through it all, though, a deep peace is flooding my heart. A quiet joy steals into the sorrow and leaves no room for sadness. Somehow I know it's going to be all right. It's not all going to be easy or turn out the way I want it to, but it's going to turn out God's way, which is better than any story I can write for myself.

It's so clear to me again that life isn't about me. I mean, sure, I walk around in this body and have to deal with the things that come my way. Sometimes it may feel like the world is ending, but ultimately it isn't about me. There's a bigger picture that I am playing a part in. It's up to me - am I going to do things my way and only make a small ripple or am I going to allow God to use me, no strings attached, and see how big of a wave He can make with my life?

Everything isn't easy, but everything is under God's control. It's not God's goal in life to make me happy - it is His goal to make me Holy. Refining Fire, fall on me.