I'm so torn... I really want to go back to college - I really want to get involved in the web design field. I really want to go back to Africa - I really want to make a difference in this world. Can the two go hand in hand? If I'm years and years into debt because of school fees, will I be able to go back to Africa anytime soon? Definitely not long term. Why would a web designer go to rural Africa? Wouldn't it make more sense if I was a teacher or something? But I don't want to teach here in the states, and it'd be nice to have a degree in something I would enjoy here in the states if Africa is short-term or never even happens. But I want to keep the door for going to Africa open... Ugh... so many decisions. I need wisdom, God!

I spent so much time in Africa wishing I was back in America - wishing I could connect more with my friends and family back home and wishing for the comforts and happiness of American life. Now that I'm here, I'm reminded that life sucks here, too. I'm no happier. I don't connect with my friends as often as I like. I do get to spend more time with my family, though, which is good. Oh, how I long to be content.

Without the hope of Christ in my life, I think life would be insufferably depressing.

I was thinking a lot yesterday about where my life is headed. Where am I going? I feel like I'm aimlessly wandering. That has been the theme of my summer, and I think it's okay. I've used the summer to travel and enjoy time with friends and family. Summer has come to an end. I'm exhausted and I'm confused. I know nothing about finding a job. All my other jobs have more or less fallen into my lap. I'm a hard worker and I have no doubt that I can succeed at whatever I put my mind to. It's just a matter of finding the right job and making sure I'm not doing things on my own power - but relying on the guiding of the Holy Spirit.

Real life is so different from what I have experienced. Real life is tied down. I can't pick up and go visit friends whenever I want. Real life has many responsibilities. Bills and chores and the pressure to make sure things happen. I've experienced all of this, but never full-blown, full-time. I know I can make it, it just seems like an awful lot right now.

I have so many decisions to make this month. Where to live: FL or IN? Where to work? Where to go to school next fall? How do I use my money wisely? How do I balance between saving my money and still enjoying experiences? How will I spend my free time?

I need to set some goals about spending time with God. I've been doing a lot of praying recently, but spending time in the Word and listening for God's voice has been sporadic at best. I really, really want to be where God wants me to be and I want to be a faithful follower of Christ. I've been playing with the idea of starting up another blog where I will make it a goal to reflect daily about what I'm reading in Scripture and what God is revealing to me. I think it would be good because it would add accountability and motivation for me to spend time in the Word. It sounds terrible to say that I need motivation, but I suppose that's what accountability is anyway - a form of motivation to make sure things happen. So, be looking for that in the near future. I'm sure some entries will be long, and others will be short. My goal is simply to make sure that I open my Bible each day. If along the way, others can be encouraged or challenged by my reflections, then that's awesome.

Africa has continued to be on my mind frequently. I've been sorting through my pictures in order to make a photo book and print off pictures for scrap booking. I know I'm idealizing things, but I miss that place. I want to go back. The question is: Does God want me to go back? Why has Africa been on my heart so much recently? Am I supposed to raise money to send over to help people? Am I supposed to go back to encourage people? Am I supposed to go back long term? I don't know. I keep thinking that I'm just not cut out for long term living in another country. What if I'm wrong? I suppose God will make things clear in the years to come.

Please note: This blog is separated into several different entries.

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This past weekend was the Conservative Mennonite Annual Conference. It was located in Iowa. First off, it was rather exciting to go to Iowa - I've never been there before. It was also great to see old friends who I haven't seen in awhile. I ended up reconnecting (rather deeply) with several people, which was a welcome surprise. In the past, I've found it very hard to actually find the time to connect with anyone beyond the "Oh, hi! So good to see you! What have you been up to? Well, awesome, I'll see you later!" exchange. Those can be fun - it's always great to connect with old friends - but it also tends to be rather frustrating due to my desire for deep relationships. So, I was thrilled to actually connect with people. I had a good time and was significantly refreshed emotionally and spiritually.

There was a new group for generation x and the millennial generation (as I guess we twenty-somes are labeled). Basically, this group was geared toward 20 and 30 year olds. I was really excited about this group, because I was so tired of only going to the youth sessions - as I've grown older I've found that I was looking for something different – something deeper. I also really desired to connect with people my own age more. I don't mind hanging out with people younger than me, and I think being involved in the lives of high schoolers is a good thing, but it's nice to be around your peers, too. So, I was really excited about this group, the Cafe.

It turned out to be much different than I was expecting. The goal of the Cafe was, indeed, to give us a place to connect with people our own age. There were table "conversations" that helped stimulate deeper thoughts and conversation among the people present. It was a lot more than that, though. The goal of the Cafe is not to become a separate entity within conference. It's not going to become another youth session, just a little different for those of us who are a bit more mature and bit further along in life. They really want to use the Cafe to facilitate our integration into the whole of conference.

If I'm being completely honest with myself (and with you all), at first I was rather disappointed. I wanted another group that I could throw myself into. I wanted all the sessions that I went to that weekend to be as relevant as the one morning Cafe session that we had. I wanted to be among people who shared my vision and I wanted to slam the door in the face of all the people who I felt were holding me back (most of who tend to be in the older generations).

When I heard that they wanted us to integrate with the whole of conference, I wanted to roll my eyes. When I heard them welcome people in their 40's, 50's and beyond into our sessions, I wanted to let out a loud sigh. They were going to ruin this amazing thing that had barely started.

This weekend opened my eyes to a lot of things. I wasn't expecting it, but I'm so glad for it. What an incredibly immature and selfish attitude I have had! Why did I think that my generation had a handle on faith and living a faithful Christian life? Yes, I do respect a lot of people who are choosing to live life differently. They do tend to be in their 20's and 30's (at least the popular ones). However, they all were inspired by people who came before them. They all have been mentored and encouraged by those who have lived longer they they have.

First off, my generation does not have a handle on faith and living life as a follower of Christ. At least not an exclusive handle on it. It was a very arrogant attitude to have. I do think my generation has a fresh perspective on how to relate to our culture and our world. I believe that our fresh vision can bring a new and needed dimension to the church and to reaching out to our culture, but I have come to realize that we can't simply walk away from the older generation and the way that they have done things.

As I listened to the dialogue during the workshop times regarding integrating our generations with those of the older generations, something started to change. I started to see them as allies, not stuffy people who are trying to hold back the work of God. I think I suddenly realized that our generations don't understand each other. We have really been shaped by our circumstances growing up and that makes us view our world quite differently. The older generation has been getting cues from us that we want to do things on our own and we don't want them involved in our lives. We have been getting cues from the older generation that they are not interested in being involved in our lives except to hold us back with legalism and stale traditions. I think we both have wrong perceptions of where the other is at.

As one pastor told us with tears in his eyes that the most important issue is that we find Jesus and follow Him, I really was touched. That is the heart of the issue. If it means we have to walk away from them and from the conservative Mennonite conference, then we better do it if that's what Jesus is calling us to. However, I don't think this direction that I've been heading is from Jesus. I think it's been my own stubbornness and pride.

Wow, haven't I been immature about these things? I think my intentions were good. I read stuff from Shane Claiborne and I hear about all these church plants that are going out and doing radical things for God and I feel so inspired. I seriously want to make a difference. I want to experience that kind of community. I want to be part of the radical kingdom of God.

Along the way I assumed that the older generation has to be left behind because they don't share my vision and because they have passed the age in their life where they are able or willing to be radical for God. I don't think I ever thought that consciously, but subconsciously it's been there and this weekend brought that to the forefront.

I think I realized that older people can be just as passionate about the kingdom of God as we younger people are. They can be just as passionate about reaching out to the world as we are. It may look very different, but why can we not work together and blend our ideas together and become a powerful, inter generational force for the kingdom?

I think so much about unity in the church. Unity across denominational lines when possible. Unity among nations. Unity among races. Why have I never really thought about unity across generational lines before? I think that is just as important for the Christian body as it is to reach across national borders.

How stunted we younger and less mature Christians will become without mentors and people who have gone before us. We need them to cheer us on. We need them to teach us from their own mistakes. We need their fellowship as much as we need the fellowship of our peers.

These truths were not altogether easily reached, but in comparison to implementing these truths in my life, it was a walk in the park. Reaching these goals will prove to be a challenge.

It is going to require a lot of talking. It will take patience and willingness to be misunderstood, to misunderstand, and then to have the conversation over again in a different way in hopes that we can reach an understanding. It will require compromises from both sides, and an ability to agree to disagree on some points. It will require great humility.

I don't know if I can walk this path alone. I don't know if I have the courage or the brains or the cool to do it. I am glad for the Cafe group. I hope other people reached this same consensus and will be willing to band together and work toward generational unity together.

I now dream of not just young, hip people living together in community in order to achieve the kingdom of God. I dream of young, hip people living beside older, wiser (and maybe not-so-hip) people in order to see God's kingdom come on this earth. I envision the older people speaking into the younger generation's lives. I envision the younger people challenging the older people's worldview and ways of doing things. I imagine us all being stretched and growing more like the vision of Christ everyday – together.

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As I was at conference this past weekend, I really began to wonder about my future more. Not like I don't already wonder about my future a lot. I have been definitely leaning toward moving to Florida. I like the idea of being close to my family for at least half the year and I like the warm weather and lack of snow. I like how accessible so many things are.

This weekend I really began to think about some other things. In Columbus, OH, there are definitely things happening. There are definitely people there seeking the Kingdom of God. I know these people and I know how to get involved. In Florida, they might exist, but how would I connect with them? In Ohio there are ample opportunities to attend a CMC church or at the very least be connected with RMM or CMC events. In Florida (where I would be located at least), I would basically be removing myself from the CMC world.

I do not agree with every aspect of CMC. Sometimes the holding on tight to traditions and some conservatism (not necessarily doctrine, I hold to conservative doctrine. I'm more thinking dress and music styles and ways of relating to the world) drives me up a wall. I suppose this is part of learning how to give and take and how to deal with things (sometimes I really think it's much easier to just walk away and find a group of people that believe a lot more similarly to what I believe. When do you know where that line is – when it's time to quit compromising and simply find a place where people have the same vision and go for it?). I think one thing about CMC is just how wide a range of people we have in it.

We have people who are drastically conservative – people who wear head coverings and only wear dresses. People who are shocked at the word “crap” and who liberally condemn and disprove of people who drink alcohol. We also have people who are the exact opposite – people who have short hair, piercings, wear clothes that I probably wouldn't, people who use language that I probably wouldn't and people who drink frequently. I find it much easier to relate to the second group. It's always easier for me to get along with a group of people who are more liberal than me. I can keep my standards and still hang out with them. If I try to hang with a group of people who are more conservative than me, I feel condemned and looked down upon. I don't know how much of that is really happening or how much of that is just my mindset and semi-paranoia.

So, the fact that CMC has such a wide range of people makes it a confusing conglomeration of people. Up until this point, many of us have managed to co-exist. Others have bickered, fought, condemned and withdrew from the conference. How does this work? How should it work?

That's all a really rather random side note to everything. The point I was trying to make was this: regardless of some of the things I do not agree with CMC (or at least some of its members) on, there is way more that I do agree with. I heartily applaud the emphasis on discipleship. I think there is so much more to living the Christian life than simply saying a prayer and going to church once a week. I think living faithfully and following Christ is of the utmost importance. I also agree with their nonresistance stance. I believe that the best way to influence this world for Christ is radical love for our enemies – not shooting their heads off.

I have been challenged in my stance on this recently as I hear of the the conflicts coming out of North Korea. Everything in my freezes up and I find it hard to breathe. I want the US to go over there and get rid of the people who are threatening my safety and happiness. That is my fleshly response. That initial response made me question my non-resistant stance. However, I think I've come to the conclusion that it really is my flesh speaking – that is the inborn part of me that runs after self-preservation and my own selfish fulfillment. I don't know what I'd do if I was living in the US and we came under attack from nuclear bombs. I think I would freak out and be scared to death. I want to believe that I would reach a point where I would be able to lay my life in God's hands and continue to try to follow Him.

I really need to come to terms with death. I have not. I do not want to die. I am scared to death to die. Things that are out of my control and can cause harm to me simply terrify me. That was a lot of my problem in Africa (not all of it, granted, but a large part of it stemmed from my fear of death). I would live life so much differently if I wasn't afraid of dying. I would have such a different mindset. Another random rabbit trail and food for thought.

So, where I was heading was, that while I disagree with some aspects of CMC, there is a lot that I value and feel like I can embrace. Do I really want to walk away from it by moving to Florida? Right now I don't think so. This means that I have to give up that time with my family that I would get if I lived in Florida. It means that I would need to give up the possibility of a rather flexible and stable job. It would mean that I need to go completely out on a limb and move to Ohio with no one to share an apartment with, no job and no family nearby. It means that I need to make a hard decision of whether to live in Marysville or Columbus. It means I may not get to see my family very often.

On the other hand, it does mean that there will be CMC churches and ministries that I can plug in with. It does mean that I have relationships already in place that I can work on deepening. It does mean that I am in a rather central location for visiting close friends and family in the northern US. All of that would be lacking if I lived in Naples.

I am scared. Some conversations at the Cafe talked a lot about our fear of commitment as 20 and 30 year olds. I am definitely at that place. I had been thinking of that for awhile now. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone and it's not just some random personality defect that I personally have. It's a rather widespread characteristic of my generation if the conversations we had during our one morning session is any indication. It doesn't make it right or helpful, though. What if I move to the wrong place? What if I can't find a job? What if I accept the wrong job? What if I commit to the wrong church? What if I get involved with the wrong group of friends? What if I don't meet a guy? What if I meet the wrong guy?

What if, what if, what if. They keep me paralyzed from doing anything at all. I absolutely have to make a decision. I absolutely have to move forward. If I stay paralyzed here in state of indecision, then Satan is winning. He is making more progress with me sitting here doing nothing and not being involved than if I make a decision and end up bumbling through some situations. God can use my mistakes and can redeem bad choices, but if I'm not doing a single thing, how can He use me?

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I really want to create things. I want to write articles that inspire and challenge people. I want to capture nature through photography in a way that dazzles people. I want to create music that moves people to tears. I want to live passionately and I want to change the world.

Why does changing the world seem like such an unattainable feat? Perhaps because it is. Although, every once in awhile you look back through history and you hear stories of how one person started a chain reaction that changed thousands of lives. Why do I feel like it is not even possible that I could be included in the ranks of such people?

I would guess that it is the lies of the enemy. How convenient it would be for Satan to simply discourage me and stop me from every beginning – from ever trying to change the world. How convenient it would be for Him to talk me into settling for the mundane, trivial things of life. How convenient for Him to convince me into playing in a puddle instead of swimming in the ocean (I think I stole that line from a Steven Curtis Chapman song). And how completely tragic.

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I think I come across as a boring person to people. I also think that's quite the load of rubbish. I really am not a boring person. I think this misconception stems from several root causes.

First of all, I am afraid of disappointing people or looking like a fool. This causes me to be more reserved and not do things that I would like to do. If you notice, I tend to do more crazy, spontaneous and fun things when I am around other people. It just takes a little encouragement from them for me to jump in and join the random fun.

Second, I am, at times, a more reserved person. Sometimes I do enjoy sitting back and observing over being in the middle of the action.

Third, I tend to enjoy activities that require more thought skills than athletic skills. If that makes me a boring person, then that's quite the tragedy. I would always prefer a good game of Rook or Settlers over a game of Ultimate or Basketball.

Fourth, I value relationships over activities. If I had to tip the scale one way or another, I would tip it toward sitting around and talking and relating to another person on a deep level over going out and doing something. If I have a choice, I would often rather sit down and talk and share my heart instead of going to see a movie. This does not mean that I do not enjoy movies or never go to do stuff like that. On the contrary, I quite enjoy it, but my priority is relationships.

Do those facts make me a boring person? I don't think so. It makes me a unique person. I'm different from the status quo, but if we were all the same, what fun would that be, eh?

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A line that goes through my head is “it's just me against the world.” It's from a Superchic[k] song. In some respects, that's true. It is me against the world – I am fighting against the tide (isn't that a Sanctus Real song?) and trying to live life in a way that is consistent with being a follower of The Way.

On the other hand, I think maybe it's an unhealthy attitude when I take it too far. I think I often feel like it's me against every other person on this planet. I feel like I have to strive and fight against people all around me to go where I need to go and to be understood. I feel like people don't understand me and are working in opposition to me. That's simply not true.

So, it's me against the world – the mindsets and values of the culture that I live in. But it's me working with the world – my fellow Christian brothers and and sisters who love me and are heading toward the same goal.

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3,525 words later, I feel quite pleased with what I've written and much calmer. I enjoy being able to express myself through words.

I was e-mailing a friend from Kakuma refugee camp back and forth today. It made me miss Africa and all my friends from Kakuma. As I wandered down here to go to bed this evening, I found a few books that my mom bought when I was in Kenya. They are awesome books - they have a lot of pictures and information about Kenya. I started to page through them. I realized again how much I miss it.

I simply don't understand it. For the majority of my time there, I felt like I was dying and couldn't handle living over there. Right now, thinking about the people and all the things that became familiar to me, my heart aches. (It's not too much unlike the ache I feel at the thought of possibly being alone for the rest of my life - random side note to help put this in perspective.) I'm glad my heart aches for Kenya. It's something I longed for while I lived there, but always seemed to be semi-elusive (my time in Kakuma was getting there). I long to see those people again. I long to walk down the crowded streets of Lodwar. I long to barter for fruit and smile and talk with the children who are staring at me. I long for the sights (and even smells) of Africa.

I only wish that world wasn't so far from my world. It's nearly impossible to live in that world and this world simultaneously. Relationships here have to grow stale out of necessity - phone communication is too expensive for any regular use, and internet really is rather limited (although, I suppose it does depend on where you live). It's so much different than simply living on a different side of America from a good friend. Being across an ocean changes things. The thought of going back for a vacation or a summer to do volunteer work sounds wonderful - I long for the opportunity. The thought of going back for another six months, a year, or longer terrifies me... But at the same time - the thought, the possibility... It's there. It's in the back of my mind and it's no longer stomped down into the ground where it's dead and buried.

I don't even know what to do with these thoughts. They're completely random thoughts. I don't know if I'm being called to Africa. I'm just writing them out.

I know the famine has killed a lot of people where we worked. Apparently, Todd is telling people that some of the children we worked with in Lodwar have died from it. My mind goes to Fibi. It kills me inside. I love that girl. Writing those words... moves me to tears about this situation for the first time since I've been home. I've been too numb to cry. Too afraid to think about it - too tired. Now the tears come. What if she's dead? What if she's starving? I wish I was able to bring her home with me. I miss her so much. I suppose I could ask Benson about her - but I'm so afraid. I'm not sure I want to know if something has happened to her, but at the same time, every time I look at a picture of her (which is frequently), I wonder if she's still alive.

Which brings me to a question that's come to mind frequently the past couple days. Why does God allow such injustice? Why have I been blessed so much? Why can I get away with spending an entire summer not working and traveling with my family and still be well-fed and have a little extra cash on the side while children like Fibi are starving and orphaned and their toys are random pieces of trash? What do I do with that realization? At one point I thought not shopping at Wal Mart was the answer - trying to make sure I was consuming products that paid their workers fair wages. But how does that help Fibi exactly? How does that help the person who loses their job when the sweat shop closes down? Do sweat shops really ever get better - or do they just close down and then leave people without any source of income (no matter how small)? Don't get me wrong - I desire to see good businesses that are paying people fair wages, but how do we really make that happen? How do we really help the people who need it most? As far I know, there aren't even any big factories in northern Kenya. They're simply living in a desert - no way to raise crops. They're starving. They're helpless. How can I make a difference?

Well, I've been back in the states for well over a month now. A lot has happened in that time, and a lot will continue to happen for the rest of the summer. I'm back in Indiana. I never thought I'd be heading home from FL and be bummed about coming back to IN, but I am! It's nice to see that I've moved beyond my teenage hatred of Florida. I'm still seriously considering Florida as an option for next fall. I still don't have all the information needed to make a decision, though. I need to wait until the end of August to see if a job lines up or not. So, at the moment I'm at a place where I don't have much of an option other than to wait.

While I was in FL, I accomplished quite a bit. I wrote an article for the Indiana Home Educators Association's monthly magazine. It was about my trip to Africa. It didn't turn out exactly the way I envisioned it, but I think it has a good point and will hopefully encourage people and push them to think about the world beyond their safe, mid-western communities. I think the magazine is actually going to be an e-zine the month my article is run, so if it is, I'll be sure to post a link up here. If not, I'll post the text on my other blog.

I also redesigned the website for Tall Oaks, a 55+ community in Naples, FL. I had made the original design, but hated it. It was simple and elementary, but that's what the boss wanted. This time, however, I took a bit more creative license with it and I'm happy with the results. http://talloaksofnaples.com

As I'm looking forward into the next few months, things will continue to be busy and will continue to be full of unknowns. Truth be told, I'm getting rather tired of unknowns, but I'm trying to take them in stride and enjoy them. There definitely is stuff to be enjoyed in unknowns. I have quite a bit of responsibility in the next few weeks - counseling at choral camp, leading campfire worship, leading worship for the counselors on the weekend, learning the music for and singing in the CMC Conference choir. It's a lot of pressure. The past few weeks have been a lot of pressure with writing the article, redesigning the website, and various other things. The question that always haunts me is this: What if I'm not good enough? Sometimes it can come in the form of: What if I fail? The bottom line, though, is always, what if I don't quite measure up? In times like these it's always glaringly obvious to be that there is someone who is either better with their words or can keep rhythm better or is more spiritual than me. I feel like an impostor. I question: Do people really know what I'm like, or are they fooling themselves? If they really know what I'm like with all my weaknesses, why did they choose me? I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who is fooling themselves. Maybe there is more to me than I can see. I don't know how I'll figure it out. I guess my only option at this point, is to shove those nagging fears to the back of my mind and put on a mask of confidence, because at this point, I don't know what other options I have.