I was reading this evening and came across something in my book that made me laugh:

"If you've ever stood with us Africans at airports or bus depots, you know we're never good with lines. What if we miss something?"

The author's father then proceeded to push his way to the front of the line. I smile and nod. It's very true.

I'm in Florida now. It's been a roller coaster. I'm thinking about so many things right now I don't even know where to begin. So, I don't think I will.

I'm still ahead in NaNoWriMo, but I'm slacking off. If I don't get with the program, I'm not going to hit 50k by the end of the month. Which would be more than a little ridiculous after being so far ahead the first week and a half.

I don't think I understand me most of the time. This is unfortunate. The end.

Okay, so I feel like I need to clarify my Christianity/church rant from yesterday. This by no means is any reflection on how I feel toward the two churches that I have been involved with over the past two years. Both Agape and BBMC are full of amazing, godly people who are concerned about serving Christ and being involved in the community. Both of my church families are being faithful to be the hands and feet of Christ in their own way. I have been shaped spiritually and encouraged so much by people from each congregation. I am not fed up with those congregations.

I was more referring toward the church in America as a whole, and the attitude of Christianity in America as a whole. So self-centered. So greedy. So hypocritical. We twist Scripture to serve our own agendas and life styles, never allowing ourselves to be changed by the Truth. I think a great majority of Christians, including myself, are touched by these attitudes. We are individualistic and so capitalistic - which ends up feeding our selfishness and fueling our reasons to put the downtrodden even further away.

What happened to us grieving with those who have lost a family member in Africa because of the drought? What happened to us praying regularly for those imprisoned in areas hostile to Christians (whether that be somewhere in Asia, Africa,the Middle East, or somewhere else entirely). What happened to caring for the orphan, the widow, the refugee? Even if we say we care about those people, what does our time, thought life and money show that we care about? In my life the answer is: entertainment, comfort, myself. Unfortunately, I know I'm not the only one. I'm ashamed for myself and for all my brothers and sisters in this country who have the same warped priorities.

I'm so torn... I really want to go back to college - I really want to get involved in the web design field. I really want to go back to Africa - I really want to make a difference in this world. Can the two go hand in hand? If I'm years and years into debt because of school fees, will I be able to go back to Africa anytime soon? Definitely not long term. Why would a web designer go to rural Africa? Wouldn't it make more sense if I was a teacher or something? But I don't want to teach here in the states, and it'd be nice to have a degree in something I would enjoy here in the states if Africa is short-term or never even happens. But I want to keep the door for going to Africa open... Ugh... so many decisions. I need wisdom, God!

I spent so much time in Africa wishing I was back in America - wishing I could connect more with my friends and family back home and wishing for the comforts and happiness of American life. Now that I'm here, I'm reminded that life sucks here, too. I'm no happier. I don't connect with my friends as often as I like. I do get to spend more time with my family, though, which is good. Oh, how I long to be content.

You know I ran across an old box of letters
While I was bagging up some clothes for Goodwill
But you Know I had to laugh that the same old
    struggles
That plagued me then are plaguing me still
I know the road is long from the ground to glory
But a boy can hope he's getting some place
But you see, I'm running from the very clothes I'm wearing
And dressed like this I'm fit for the chase

'Cause no, there is none righteous
Not one who understands
There is none who seek God
No not one, I said no not one

So I am thankful that I'm incapable
Of doing any good on my own

- Thankful by Caedmon's Call

I found these lyrics appropriate on several levels today. I spent hours at my storage unit sorting through all of my earthly possessions. I'm about halfway done. I have a big pile of things that I'm boxing up to take to Goodwill later this week. I also found a box of old letters (goodness, I saved almost every letter I've ever received). It's quite the process and brings back so many memories as I read through them and decide which ones I want to put back into that box and which ones should be let go of. Today my favorite find on the letter front was many large, manila envelopes decorated by my best friend, Jody. She used to send me a magazines (that we authored ourselves) and extremely long letters in those envelopes during our high school days. It made me smile. They went back into the box of "keepers".

I also can relate so much to the line "But you Know I had to laugh that the same old struggles that plagued me then are plaguing me still." Man. I have long found these lines applicable to my life - eerily true. I am struck again by the truthfulness of them tonight. Last night I had a conversation with a good friend and I was told that I have to let go. I have to let go of my fear, of my pain, of my hurt, of my shame, of my bitterness. It took me back to REACH DTS where I let go of many past hurts. It took me back to the process of accepting the forgiveness that Christ is (or would it be has?) extending to me (a more accurate and Biblical way of saying "forgiving myself"). It took me back to that night in Lodwar where I was wounded and betrayed in a way that I had never experienced before. It took me back to long conversations with Allyah about letting go of the bitterness. It took me back to that last night in Mombasa where my team shared strengths and weaknesses before flying home. It took me back to the anger and frustration as one by one my teammates all said a similar thing: "You need to let go of your bitterness." "You need to forgive." It took me back to Zach saying that I need to give people the grace to suck and mess up. It's all true. Every last bit of it.

I still struggle to forgive. I still struggle to allow people the grace to "suck" and hurt me and fall short of perfection. I still struggle to accept Christ's forgiveness. I carry it all around like a burden. No wonder I'm so tired all the time. I give it to Christ sometimes. It's wonderful for a few days - I remember those few weeks during DTS after I gave it all to Christ. I have never, ever felt like that before in my life. I was FREE. Blessedly free. A few weeks later, it all came crashing back. The pain, the shame, the struggles, the self-condemnation. I was angry. What happened? I sure didn't go looking for it - I was ecstatic to be free of the burden. Why did God let it come back into my life? I think I still struggle with that question. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to try to give it to God and let it all go again. I did that once wholeheartedly and it came back. Isn't it easier to just keep living under this burden than to have it taken away only to fall back on my shoulders a few weeks later? I want to be free. I want to trust Christ. My experiences hold me back. What to do? Unfortunately I don't have any answers tonight. I guess I'll keep praying about it and keep struggling until this gets resolved. Prayers would be appreciated. Also, any suggestions or comments you have about this struggle and the question (Why did God let all the freedom I felt in Christ leave my life after only a few weeks) would be welcome.

Please note: This blog is separated into several different entries.

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This past weekend was the Conservative Mennonite Annual Conference. It was located in Iowa. First off, it was rather exciting to go to Iowa - I've never been there before. It was also great to see old friends who I haven't seen in awhile. I ended up reconnecting (rather deeply) with several people, which was a welcome surprise. In the past, I've found it very hard to actually find the time to connect with anyone beyond the "Oh, hi! So good to see you! What have you been up to? Well, awesome, I'll see you later!" exchange. Those can be fun - it's always great to connect with old friends - but it also tends to be rather frustrating due to my desire for deep relationships. So, I was thrilled to actually connect with people. I had a good time and was significantly refreshed emotionally and spiritually.

There was a new group for generation x and the millennial generation (as I guess we twenty-somes are labeled). Basically, this group was geared toward 20 and 30 year olds. I was really excited about this group, because I was so tired of only going to the youth sessions - as I've grown older I've found that I was looking for something different – something deeper. I also really desired to connect with people my own age more. I don't mind hanging out with people younger than me, and I think being involved in the lives of high schoolers is a good thing, but it's nice to be around your peers, too. So, I was really excited about this group, the Cafe.

It turned out to be much different than I was expecting. The goal of the Cafe was, indeed, to give us a place to connect with people our own age. There were table "conversations" that helped stimulate deeper thoughts and conversation among the people present. It was a lot more than that, though. The goal of the Cafe is not to become a separate entity within conference. It's not going to become another youth session, just a little different for those of us who are a bit more mature and bit further along in life. They really want to use the Cafe to facilitate our integration into the whole of conference.

If I'm being completely honest with myself (and with you all), at first I was rather disappointed. I wanted another group that I could throw myself into. I wanted all the sessions that I went to that weekend to be as relevant as the one morning Cafe session that we had. I wanted to be among people who shared my vision and I wanted to slam the door in the face of all the people who I felt were holding me back (most of who tend to be in the older generations).

When I heard that they wanted us to integrate with the whole of conference, I wanted to roll my eyes. When I heard them welcome people in their 40's, 50's and beyond into our sessions, I wanted to let out a loud sigh. They were going to ruin this amazing thing that had barely started.

This weekend opened my eyes to a lot of things. I wasn't expecting it, but I'm so glad for it. What an incredibly immature and selfish attitude I have had! Why did I think that my generation had a handle on faith and living a faithful Christian life? Yes, I do respect a lot of people who are choosing to live life differently. They do tend to be in their 20's and 30's (at least the popular ones). However, they all were inspired by people who came before them. They all have been mentored and encouraged by those who have lived longer they they have.

First off, my generation does not have a handle on faith and living life as a follower of Christ. At least not an exclusive handle on it. It was a very arrogant attitude to have. I do think my generation has a fresh perspective on how to relate to our culture and our world. I believe that our fresh vision can bring a new and needed dimension to the church and to reaching out to our culture, but I have come to realize that we can't simply walk away from the older generation and the way that they have done things.

As I listened to the dialogue during the workshop times regarding integrating our generations with those of the older generations, something started to change. I started to see them as allies, not stuffy people who are trying to hold back the work of God. I think I suddenly realized that our generations don't understand each other. We have really been shaped by our circumstances growing up and that makes us view our world quite differently. The older generation has been getting cues from us that we want to do things on our own and we don't want them involved in our lives. We have been getting cues from the older generation that they are not interested in being involved in our lives except to hold us back with legalism and stale traditions. I think we both have wrong perceptions of where the other is at.

As one pastor told us with tears in his eyes that the most important issue is that we find Jesus and follow Him, I really was touched. That is the heart of the issue. If it means we have to walk away from them and from the conservative Mennonite conference, then we better do it if that's what Jesus is calling us to. However, I don't think this direction that I've been heading is from Jesus. I think it's been my own stubbornness and pride.

Wow, haven't I been immature about these things? I think my intentions were good. I read stuff from Shane Claiborne and I hear about all these church plants that are going out and doing radical things for God and I feel so inspired. I seriously want to make a difference. I want to experience that kind of community. I want to be part of the radical kingdom of God.

Along the way I assumed that the older generation has to be left behind because they don't share my vision and because they have passed the age in their life where they are able or willing to be radical for God. I don't think I ever thought that consciously, but subconsciously it's been there and this weekend brought that to the forefront.

I think I realized that older people can be just as passionate about the kingdom of God as we younger people are. They can be just as passionate about reaching out to the world as we are. It may look very different, but why can we not work together and blend our ideas together and become a powerful, inter generational force for the kingdom?

I think so much about unity in the church. Unity across denominational lines when possible. Unity among nations. Unity among races. Why have I never really thought about unity across generational lines before? I think that is just as important for the Christian body as it is to reach across national borders.

How stunted we younger and less mature Christians will become without mentors and people who have gone before us. We need them to cheer us on. We need them to teach us from their own mistakes. We need their fellowship as much as we need the fellowship of our peers.

These truths were not altogether easily reached, but in comparison to implementing these truths in my life, it was a walk in the park. Reaching these goals will prove to be a challenge.

It is going to require a lot of talking. It will take patience and willingness to be misunderstood, to misunderstand, and then to have the conversation over again in a different way in hopes that we can reach an understanding. It will require compromises from both sides, and an ability to agree to disagree on some points. It will require great humility.

I don't know if I can walk this path alone. I don't know if I have the courage or the brains or the cool to do it. I am glad for the Cafe group. I hope other people reached this same consensus and will be willing to band together and work toward generational unity together.

I now dream of not just young, hip people living together in community in order to achieve the kingdom of God. I dream of young, hip people living beside older, wiser (and maybe not-so-hip) people in order to see God's kingdom come on this earth. I envision the older people speaking into the younger generation's lives. I envision the younger people challenging the older people's worldview and ways of doing things. I imagine us all being stretched and growing more like the vision of Christ everyday – together.

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As I was at conference this past weekend, I really began to wonder about my future more. Not like I don't already wonder about my future a lot. I have been definitely leaning toward moving to Florida. I like the idea of being close to my family for at least half the year and I like the warm weather and lack of snow. I like how accessible so many things are.

This weekend I really began to think about some other things. In Columbus, OH, there are definitely things happening. There are definitely people there seeking the Kingdom of God. I know these people and I know how to get involved. In Florida, they might exist, but how would I connect with them? In Ohio there are ample opportunities to attend a CMC church or at the very least be connected with RMM or CMC events. In Florida (where I would be located at least), I would basically be removing myself from the CMC world.

I do not agree with every aspect of CMC. Sometimes the holding on tight to traditions and some conservatism (not necessarily doctrine, I hold to conservative doctrine. I'm more thinking dress and music styles and ways of relating to the world) drives me up a wall. I suppose this is part of learning how to give and take and how to deal with things (sometimes I really think it's much easier to just walk away and find a group of people that believe a lot more similarly to what I believe. When do you know where that line is – when it's time to quit compromising and simply find a place where people have the same vision and go for it?). I think one thing about CMC is just how wide a range of people we have in it.

We have people who are drastically conservative – people who wear head coverings and only wear dresses. People who are shocked at the word “crap” and who liberally condemn and disprove of people who drink alcohol. We also have people who are the exact opposite – people who have short hair, piercings, wear clothes that I probably wouldn't, people who use language that I probably wouldn't and people who drink frequently. I find it much easier to relate to the second group. It's always easier for me to get along with a group of people who are more liberal than me. I can keep my standards and still hang out with them. If I try to hang with a group of people who are more conservative than me, I feel condemned and looked down upon. I don't know how much of that is really happening or how much of that is just my mindset and semi-paranoia.

So, the fact that CMC has such a wide range of people makes it a confusing conglomeration of people. Up until this point, many of us have managed to co-exist. Others have bickered, fought, condemned and withdrew from the conference. How does this work? How should it work?

That's all a really rather random side note to everything. The point I was trying to make was this: regardless of some of the things I do not agree with CMC (or at least some of its members) on, there is way more that I do agree with. I heartily applaud the emphasis on discipleship. I think there is so much more to living the Christian life than simply saying a prayer and going to church once a week. I think living faithfully and following Christ is of the utmost importance. I also agree with their nonresistance stance. I believe that the best way to influence this world for Christ is radical love for our enemies – not shooting their heads off.

I have been challenged in my stance on this recently as I hear of the the conflicts coming out of North Korea. Everything in my freezes up and I find it hard to breathe. I want the US to go over there and get rid of the people who are threatening my safety and happiness. That is my fleshly response. That initial response made me question my non-resistant stance. However, I think I've come to the conclusion that it really is my flesh speaking – that is the inborn part of me that runs after self-preservation and my own selfish fulfillment. I don't know what I'd do if I was living in the US and we came under attack from nuclear bombs. I think I would freak out and be scared to death. I want to believe that I would reach a point where I would be able to lay my life in God's hands and continue to try to follow Him.

I really need to come to terms with death. I have not. I do not want to die. I am scared to death to die. Things that are out of my control and can cause harm to me simply terrify me. That was a lot of my problem in Africa (not all of it, granted, but a large part of it stemmed from my fear of death). I would live life so much differently if I wasn't afraid of dying. I would have such a different mindset. Another random rabbit trail and food for thought.

So, where I was heading was, that while I disagree with some aspects of CMC, there is a lot that I value and feel like I can embrace. Do I really want to walk away from it by moving to Florida? Right now I don't think so. This means that I have to give up that time with my family that I would get if I lived in Florida. It means that I would need to give up the possibility of a rather flexible and stable job. It would mean that I need to go completely out on a limb and move to Ohio with no one to share an apartment with, no job and no family nearby. It means that I need to make a hard decision of whether to live in Marysville or Columbus. It means I may not get to see my family very often.

On the other hand, it does mean that there will be CMC churches and ministries that I can plug in with. It does mean that I have relationships already in place that I can work on deepening. It does mean that I am in a rather central location for visiting close friends and family in the northern US. All of that would be lacking if I lived in Naples.

I am scared. Some conversations at the Cafe talked a lot about our fear of commitment as 20 and 30 year olds. I am definitely at that place. I had been thinking of that for awhile now. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone and it's not just some random personality defect that I personally have. It's a rather widespread characteristic of my generation if the conversations we had during our one morning session is any indication. It doesn't make it right or helpful, though. What if I move to the wrong place? What if I can't find a job? What if I accept the wrong job? What if I commit to the wrong church? What if I get involved with the wrong group of friends? What if I don't meet a guy? What if I meet the wrong guy?

What if, what if, what if. They keep me paralyzed from doing anything at all. I absolutely have to make a decision. I absolutely have to move forward. If I stay paralyzed here in state of indecision, then Satan is winning. He is making more progress with me sitting here doing nothing and not being involved than if I make a decision and end up bumbling through some situations. God can use my mistakes and can redeem bad choices, but if I'm not doing a single thing, how can He use me?

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I really want to create things. I want to write articles that inspire and challenge people. I want to capture nature through photography in a way that dazzles people. I want to create music that moves people to tears. I want to live passionately and I want to change the world.

Why does changing the world seem like such an unattainable feat? Perhaps because it is. Although, every once in awhile you look back through history and you hear stories of how one person started a chain reaction that changed thousands of lives. Why do I feel like it is not even possible that I could be included in the ranks of such people?

I would guess that it is the lies of the enemy. How convenient it would be for Satan to simply discourage me and stop me from every beginning – from ever trying to change the world. How convenient it would be for Him to talk me into settling for the mundane, trivial things of life. How convenient for Him to convince me into playing in a puddle instead of swimming in the ocean (I think I stole that line from a Steven Curtis Chapman song). And how completely tragic.

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I think I come across as a boring person to people. I also think that's quite the load of rubbish. I really am not a boring person. I think this misconception stems from several root causes.

First of all, I am afraid of disappointing people or looking like a fool. This causes me to be more reserved and not do things that I would like to do. If you notice, I tend to do more crazy, spontaneous and fun things when I am around other people. It just takes a little encouragement from them for me to jump in and join the random fun.

Second, I am, at times, a more reserved person. Sometimes I do enjoy sitting back and observing over being in the middle of the action.

Third, I tend to enjoy activities that require more thought skills than athletic skills. If that makes me a boring person, then that's quite the tragedy. I would always prefer a good game of Rook or Settlers over a game of Ultimate or Basketball.

Fourth, I value relationships over activities. If I had to tip the scale one way or another, I would tip it toward sitting around and talking and relating to another person on a deep level over going out and doing something. If I have a choice, I would often rather sit down and talk and share my heart instead of going to see a movie. This does not mean that I do not enjoy movies or never go to do stuff like that. On the contrary, I quite enjoy it, but my priority is relationships.

Do those facts make me a boring person? I don't think so. It makes me a unique person. I'm different from the status quo, but if we were all the same, what fun would that be, eh?

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A line that goes through my head is “it's just me against the world.” It's from a Superchic[k] song. In some respects, that's true. It is me against the world – I am fighting against the tide (isn't that a Sanctus Real song?) and trying to live life in a way that is consistent with being a follower of The Way.

On the other hand, I think maybe it's an unhealthy attitude when I take it too far. I think I often feel like it's me against every other person on this planet. I feel like I have to strive and fight against people all around me to go where I need to go and to be understood. I feel like people don't understand me and are working in opposition to me. That's simply not true.

So, it's me against the world – the mindsets and values of the culture that I live in. But it's me working with the world – my fellow Christian brothers and and sisters who love me and are heading toward the same goal.

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3,525 words later, I feel quite pleased with what I've written and much calmer. I enjoy being able to express myself through words.