Through You the blind will see
Through You the mute will sing
Through You the dead will rise
Through You all hearts will praise
Through You the darkness flees
Through You my heart screams, I am free!

I am free to run
(I am free to run)
I am free to dance
(I am free to dance)
I am free to live for you
(I am free to live for you)
I am free
(I am free)

Chorus:
I am free
I am free
I am free to run
(I am free to run)
I am free to dance
(I am free to dance)
I am free to live for you
(I am free to live for you
I am free
(I am free)
Yes I am free

Tonight a victory was won - I am free of one of my burdens - and for the first time in a long time, I feel hope.

Recently I have become extremely undisciplined. I think it's because I've lost motivation in my day to day living here - I have no job, no academics - nothing to keep me focused, nothing to challenge me, and nothing to keep me striving for more. So, where does that show up first? My spiritual life, of course.

I have been incredibly unfaithful recently in my walk with God. I pray, and I desire to do what's right, but I don't open my Bible - I don't even make an effort. Yet, for all my unfaithfulness, God has continued to show Himself faithful, and He hasn't walked away - although I don't think I'd blame Him if He had. As I struggle through each day, He continues to reveal more and more to me as I think about my life.

A few weeks ago I came to the realization that as an American, I have been taught to pursue happiness with everything in me. All of us have inalienable rights - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, right? I've taken my liberty and pursuit of happiness to the extreme. I balk at anyone who tells me what to do - I'm a free person - I can make my own decisions. If something is making me unhappy, I strive to get away from it. I strive to find happiness.

I've learned over the years, the more I try to be happy, the more miserable I am. It's counterproductive to pursue happiness. As I was thinking about this, I realized this is another one of those instances where my identity as a follower of Christ needs to trump my identity as an American. My chief goals in life should not be to pursue my happiness and try to get ahead - my chief goal in life should be to pursue God with everything in me.

End of story for a few weeks. Nothing really changed - I mean, I realized this truth and thought about it, but it didn't really change anything.

This past week, I hit another bump in the road. In the middle of feeling extremely unhappy and freaking about about the H1N1 virus and other maladies, I just hit a wall where I panicked and realized I couldn't do this for the next 50-75 years. I would go crazy if I had to deal with life this same way for the rest of my life. It was a moment of complete desperation.

All of a sudden, I realized something. I need to not only be pursuing God (instead of my happiness), I also need to be pursuing things that will bring glory to God. See, the first (pursuing God) is true, but it's rather ambiguous - it's hard to get a clear action plan for that and it's hard to motivate me to change my actions throughout the day. Bringing glory to God, on the other hand, has very clear parameters. As I've realized this, I come to given situations and I look at them and ask myself, "How can I bring glory to God in this situation?" It also gives me motivation to do things I otherwise would avoid doing, because I know it's the right thing and it's bringing glory to God.

I've also realized, from experience and from logic, that the more I'm striving after bringing glory to God, the happier I will be. It's an amazing byproduct of the whole thing. As I'm bringing glory to God, I'm doing what I was created to do - I'm doing the right thing - and as I realize this and experience this, it brings me joy and happiness. Also, as I take the pressure off of pursuing happiness and as finding happiness is no longer my sole aim, it's easier to find happiness in the small things.

It also makes it easier to live in this world. Truth is, I'm sad and lonely and confused about the future. It's easy to be unhappy. If I'm living life to be happy, then I might as well end it all, because experience and observation shows that life is going to be tough and I'm not going to be happy a lot of the time. However, if I'm living life to bring glory to God, well, then it's a win/win situation. In every single situation I face, there is a way to bring glory to God. There is not always a way to be happy. As I bring glory to God in each and every one of the situations that are presented to me, then I will experience joy and learn to truly live this life.

I just hate it when you wake up and you feel like you have a cloud hanging over you. Doubt and fear and anxiety weigh you down before you even set foot out of bed. There is no apparent reason for it, but simply a terrible feeling that it isn't going to be okay. It makes you want to roll over and go back to sleep. All you want to do is hide.

That's how I felt this morning. I don't know why. Everything in my life was settling so heavy on my heart. I did not want to get up and I did not want to face the day ahead. I laid there for nearly an hour struggling with my feelings and trying to convince myself to snap out of it. Surprise, surprise, nothing changed until I took it to God. I don't know why I waited so long. I laid there and prayed for quite awhile. I laid everything before Christ and asked Him to search my heart and remove everything that wasn't of Him. I asked His Holy Spirit to fill me up and move in me without any hindrance from me.

It didn't all go away, but it was drastically better. I think the timing is interesting. I had an amazing conversation with my Dad yesterday where we were able to talk about life. We were able to disagree and work through it in a healthy way instead of just letting the arguments sit and fester between us. I was so happy. Then last night Ashley took me to the young adult church service at her church and it was like God was speaking directly to me. My soul was encouraged and challenged and I was on fire!

This morning I wake up and can't even convince myself to get out of bed. What is going on? Praying helped things a lot. Is it a spiritual attack? I would be willing to bet that's part of it. God and I have been doing really well recently. I can't imagine that Satan is overly happy about the progress. A fire is burning in my heart for Jesus and I am making decisions and taking a stand where I have been unable/unwilling to for quite awhile. It's about time that things get difficult again, that the enemy tries to slow me down and drag me back.

Consumed my mind distracted all the time.
I cant figure out this world of lies.
She walks into her mind of aggravation.
She looks into the eyes of empty sad frustration.
Now I'm wandering around and I wanna be found,
but I don't wanna lose my sight.
I'm blind, I'm losing my mind, I'm getting behind,
it all keeps bringing me down.

And I live for you tonight.
And I'll live for the rest of my life.

Consumed your mind distracted all the time.
you cant figure out this world of lies.
Now your wandering around and you wanna be found,
but you don't wanna lose your sight.
your blind, your losing your mind, your getting behind,
it all keeps bringing you down.

I say, not now, you cannot bring me down
I won't lose this time,
It's time to draw the line,

And I live for you tonight.
And I'll live for the rest of my life.
And I live for you tonight.
And I'll live for the rest of my life.

That's a song that I listened to a lot when I was sixteen and way into Everyday Sunday. It's a song that encouraged me today. I am not going to let Satan bring me down - not now. I won't lose - I'm drawing a line. I will live for Christ - today, tonight, and for the rest of my life. Trials may come and storms may knock me to my knees, but I'm never going to quit holding onto the Truth.

In theory, trusting God should be so easy. I mean, think about it. God is the creator of the universe. He is sovereign - His will is going to ultimately be accomplished. He will work everything out for the ultimate good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. He loves us and has a plan for us that will further His Kingdom and bring Him glory. He calls us to cast our cares on Him and not to worry. It sounds like a pretty good deal. I mean, why should I worry about relationship stuff or where I'm going to live or what job I'm going to have? God's in control and He's gonna make things happen in His timing. And ultimately, this life is about Him and His glory - not me and my happiness.

End of story. So I trust, God works it out. I go where He takes me, and know that in the end, everything is gonna work out just fine. My job is to be faithful (to follow His commandments and where He is leading me) and to love others (with the same love that Christ has lavished upon me). Sounds simple. Am I just making it all more complicated than it needs to be? I think maybe I am. I think maybe I'm just afraid of looking foolish if I trust God with abandon. I mean, what would other people think if I wasn't worried about all that stuff? They'd think I was lazy and a fool. So maybe it's time I learn how to be a fool for Jesus. Maybe it is just that easy.

Another experience, another end. I didn't think I would be sad. But I am. I'm finding that's the case a lot recently. As I said in my last post, that first week of Choral Camp was really hard. I now realize, looking back, that I was experiencing a lot of spiritual attack. By the middle of that first week, I was completely breaking down and convinced that I was absolutely incompetent, a social misfit and in the way more than I was being a help. I don't think any of that was true. But of course, at the time, that's all I could see. I talked and prayed with a couple amazing people and that really helped, especially when one person specifically prayed against Satan. I could feel the burden lifting - it was one of those crazy, cool, and a terrifying moments when the supernatural is so real and close that I can sense it.

Choral Camp was so hard, but was also so good for me spiritually. It completely forced me to rely on God again. Utterly and completely. What can I do when I'm at the end of myself and the little bit of strength that I do possess? Nothing other than sit down and give up or run into the arms of my Savior. And thanks be to God - He drew me to His side. I'm still not back where I was before I went to Africa. I'm still not where I want to be, but I've taken another step in that direction.

I desire God so much. I want Him. I want more of Him. I want to feel His Holy Spirit here with me. I want to hear His voice. I want to know where He's leading me and I want to follow Him. I want to feel His strength moving through me, giving me the ability to follow Him where I may not want to tread. Oh, how desperately I want this and how greatly I fear it. What if it leads me where I don't want to go? But how can I not want to go where He is leading me - where He is going?

As I've been drawing nearer to God and as my heart has been broken again and again (not broken as in I got dumped or anything broken, but broken by the difficulties of life and the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit) and is being re-knit together by my Savior, Satan has moved on from the tactic of self-doubt to another area of weakness. He is targeting my emotional side. I know this is Satan - it is so overwhelming I can barely stand it. I need Jesus to get me through this.

I can't do life on my own strength. I fail without Jesus. I want a relationship - I don't want to walk the path of this life alone. What if Jesus wants me to walk with only Him for awhile - or for the rest of my life? I don't want to spend all my days longing or being miserable. That's what I am when I focus on a relationship too much - miserable. It saps my energy and my joy and I obsess over worldly things.

A verse that came to mind at campfire the other night was:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

As I meditated on that, the second part of that verse came to mind.

So that you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good and perfect will.

God, what does that mean? How do I not conform? How do I cast off all the social pressure around me and find your face in the midst of it all? How do I tune out the noise and hear your still, small voice? How do I gather the strength from you that I need in order to follow you? Lord, my spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak.

In some ways, life feels like a hopeless mess at the moment. In other ways, it feels new and fresh and exciting. God is doing something - I can feel it. I know He is here and I know He has not left me. I know that He loves me and I know that He has a plan for me - a plan that is better than any scenario I can dream up. God, help my unbelief on the bad days.

I had another amazing God moment this past week. It was Wednesday and I was scheduled to lead the last campfire worship time for the little kids. On the previous week the campfire had gone really bad. It felt like everything that could go wrong did and I left feeling defeated and shaken. I did not want this week to be like that. I wanted this last campfire to be awesome for the kids, I wanted to be in the center of God's will, and I (probably selfishly) wanted to have one awesome last memory of leading campfire worship.

I sat down with Rebecca (one of the singers on my worship team), and we prayed for awhile. I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to pray out against Satan and spiritual attack. I had felt such a burden on my heart - I just needed to sit down and pray. I felt so victorious after that prayer. The worship time went really well. The kids got into it, and I think we were able to partake in a beautiful worship time. For the longest time working at LH, I didn't see how doing funny motions and singing fun songs could be worship. God has been revealing that to me over the past few years, though, and I think that night it finally clicked into place once and for all. Those kids are worshiping as they sing praise to God and dance along with silly motions. Those truths in those songs will come back to them years from now. The Holy Spirit will be faithful to bring them back to them.

I don't know how to even explain it, but the Holy Spirit was so strong there that night. I felt His joy welling up in me so powerfully. Nothing could stop me or the saints around that campfire that night. Not wind blowing my pages around, not an out of tune guitar, not nerves, not a sore knee. God was there and I praised Him. Despite it all, and it was so beautiful. It was a breath of fresh air. And at that moment, I knew I was doing exactly what God had called me to do. I fit in and I felt like I was completely in line with God's plan. I desperately desire to be in that place more often.

Please pray for me as I continue to seek God's face and His will. I want to continue to want Him. I want to serve Him and I want to leave myself and my desires behind. Please give me the strength, Lord Jesus.