Okay, so I feel like I need to clarify my Christianity/church rant from yesterday. This by no means is any reflection on how I feel toward the two churches that I have been involved with over the past two years. Both Agape and BBMC are full of amazing, godly people who are concerned about serving Christ and being involved in the community. Both of my church families are being faithful to be the hands and feet of Christ in their own way. I have been shaped spiritually and encouraged so much by people from each congregation. I am not fed up with those congregations.

I was more referring toward the church in America as a whole, and the attitude of Christianity in America as a whole. So self-centered. So greedy. So hypocritical. We twist Scripture to serve our own agendas and life styles, never allowing ourselves to be changed by the Truth. I think a great majority of Christians, including myself, are touched by these attitudes. We are individualistic and so capitalistic - which ends up feeding our selfishness and fueling our reasons to put the downtrodden even further away.

What happened to us grieving with those who have lost a family member in Africa because of the drought? What happened to us praying regularly for those imprisoned in areas hostile to Christians (whether that be somewhere in Asia, Africa,the Middle East, or somewhere else entirely). What happened to caring for the orphan, the widow, the refugee? Even if we say we care about those people, what does our time, thought life and money show that we care about? In my life the answer is: entertainment, comfort, myself. Unfortunately, I know I'm not the only one. I'm ashamed for myself and for all my brothers and sisters in this country who have the same warped priorities.

I got out my guitar case today to put away my capo, which has been sitting on my desk for at least the past month. Inspired by the bluegrass version of Relient K that I've been listening to, I tuned up my guitar and tried to play a few songs. I didn't get very far for a couple reasons.

I haven't played in one, possibly two months. My callouses and muscles in my left hand are shot. Second, all I can think about while I'm playing is how much I blew it back at choral camp. I was asked to lead the hour long worship time over the weekend for the counselors. I put hours and hours of preparation work into it. I put over five hours of actual practice time with my band into it. I prayed. I did everything I was taught to do as a worship leader. It was in the middle of my breaking down emotinoally. I was exhausted, I was hurting, I was trying to figure out things from the past and from the future while giving 100% of my energy to the campers. So what do I do? I get up there and one whole song falls apart. Awesome God, Holy God - which used to be one of my favorites. Now I can't sing it without remembering that terrible moment when all the music stopped and I had seventy some people staring at me from the pews.

It was horrible. It was embarrassing. I promised myself I would never lead worship again, or maybe even be on another worship team (I really blew it another morning a few days later when I tried to play guitar). I haven't even really played since then. I felt betrayed. I was trying so hard to do things the right way and to do it for God and He still let it fall apart. I knew a couple of people on the worship team and in the congregation were judging me... We have a long history (that's gone sour recently) and they're very critically musically. Many people from the Mennonite world I live in were there. I wonder how many of them look at me and think "Oh, yeah, that's the girl that really blew it during worship at choral camp?"

It's all I can think about now when I try to play. That and trying desperately to lead worship for my team in Kenya when I was so dry spiritually and just wanting to cry instead of struggling through the worship songs. I don't enjoy playing any more. I feel tormented while I play. I hate it. I used to love playing and I loved being a part of the worship team. Now it's just another burden in my life.

I'm so torn... I really want to go back to college - I really want to get involved in the web design field. I really want to go back to Africa - I really want to make a difference in this world. Can the two go hand in hand? If I'm years and years into debt because of school fees, will I be able to go back to Africa anytime soon? Definitely not long term. Why would a web designer go to rural Africa? Wouldn't it make more sense if I was a teacher or something? But I don't want to teach here in the states, and it'd be nice to have a degree in something I would enjoy here in the states if Africa is short-term or never even happens. But I want to keep the door for going to Africa open... Ugh... so many decisions. I need wisdom, God!

I spent so much time in Africa wishing I was back in America - wishing I could connect more with my friends and family back home and wishing for the comforts and happiness of American life. Now that I'm here, I'm reminded that life sucks here, too. I'm no happier. I don't connect with my friends as often as I like. I do get to spend more time with my family, though, which is good. Oh, how I long to be content.

So the exact quote from Vampire Diaries that I mentioned a few entries ago is as follows:

"I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment that... the world is just going to come crashing down and I don't know if I can survive that."

Another quote from the pilot (which I watched this afternoon) that also really resounded with me:

"Dear diary, I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it, pretend like it would all be okay.

I had a plan. I wanted to change who I was. Create a life with someone new - someone without the past.

Without the pain.

Someone alive.

But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you.

They follow you.

You can't escape them, as much as you want to.

All you can do is be ready for the good, so when it comes, you invite it in, because you need it. I need it."

I can relate to that character in some ways so much... Her parents died four months earlier, mine didn't (obviously), but I feel like I have the same cloud of sadness hanging over me that she does. I can just feel her pain - I know exactly what it's like to try to pretend everything is okay, but it's not.

You smile and laugh and try to be normal. You know you're not normal - you know that your heart feels like it's bleeding on the inside. Most people don't catch onto what's wrong, but you can't entirely fool them. They know that something about you is different - weird. So they don't treat you like they do other people. They don't take the time to get to know you. So the cycle is perpetuated. More hurt, more sorrow, more pretending.

Why do the bad things stay with me? Why can't I escape them? I've tried... So many times, I've tried. They are always there - just one step behind me. As soon as I am tired of running - of striving to be free - they pounce on me. They bring me down again. I am helpless to do anything but let them have their way with me - they beat me and bruise me until I don't know if I can go on. When they finally leave me, it takes days before I can move again. Then, slowly, somehow, I manage to stand - and I start to run again. And there they are - chasing me. My familiar demons.

I'm either becoming an insomniac or my days and nights are slowly but surely getting switched. I fall into bed anytime after midnight only to find that the second my head hits the pillow, I'm no longer tired. I lay there for a few minutes - sometimes longer than others - before I decide that laying there wide awake is pointless. One night I found an online college that offers two different web design degrees. Another night I read a large chunk of a book I've been reading. One night I watched a disc of season five of the Office. I need to remedy this situation, because it's not a healthy habit to be getting into. I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to the farmer's market, so maybe that will help break the cycle.

My room is in the same state of disarray that it has been for a week. Each night as I'm attempting to fall asleep I give myself a pep talk about all that I will get accomplished the following day. My rating on Asobrain.com for the Xplorers (Settlers of Catan) game has finally gotten out of the negative. Other than that I haven't done a whole bunch. I need to finish sorting all this stuff in my room. I need to take pictures of this box of stuff I want to list on Ebay. I did set up at Etsy.com shop the other day. Now I just need to take pictures and list some of my handmade items. It's so hard for me to be motivated right now.

The date for moving to Florida has gotten pushed back by a month. I'm kind of okay with it - I'm also disappointed. I am glad to get to visit some family friends that I haven't seen in awhile and to get to spend fall break with Aaron, but I'm also ready for a routine and to get settled and I really need money soon. It is what it is, though. Now the moving date is the end of October.

I'm reading a book that a friend suggested - Lies that Young Women Believe. It was suggested earlier this summer and recently I think I've realized that it's something that I really do need to read. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the lies are hitting me from every direction. There are a lot of lies I believe about myself. I wish the book had focused more on that. How do I believe the truth and get rid of these feelings and thoughts that I have about myself? Ugh, I feel so worthless most days. Even if I can rationally write out a list of positive things about myself, I feel the bad things about myself. I feel the hopeless things. I can only think the positive things. I need to let the Truth control my emotions.

Life is so incredibly difficult and painful and scary. Sometimes I wonder how I'll make it all the way through it. How does anyone?

People always say that crying is okay and to let myself cry, but why does it feel so terrible?

I was watching a tv show last night - Vampire Diaries - and the main character said something along the lines of: I don't want to allow myself to be happy for even one moment, because it will all crash in on me and I don't know how I'd survive. (Or something similar to that). It almost made me cry. That's exactly how I feel. I'm so afraid to hope. I'm so afraid to allow myself to be happy and enjoy life, because inevitably, that happiness is going to fade and hard times will return. I can't stand the crashing. It's easier sometimes to live in the pit of despair than to try to climb out only to find myself sitting on my butt at the bottom of the pit again a few weeks later. I know I can't stay there. I know it - in my head. But how do I get that to my heart and muster up the courage to grab onto hope and pursue hope in my life?

This was a fairly weird progression of thoughts. I was going to keep things lighter tonight. *sigh* oh well.