It's been awhile. As I look back on my blog, I see I left all of you dear readers with my thoughts on life and how it was going to pass me by if I didn't seize it. Gone are the days of saying, "When my life starts, then I will.... [fill in the blank]". This is my life. I still think about that frequently.

I have a new job now. I really love it. To be sure I have my frustrations and days that I'd rather be home, but I really enjoy my coworkers and the location is so much closer to my where I live. The work takes more brain power than my last job, which I also enjoy. I've been able to learn a lot and get a taste of the accounting world. To my surprise, I found that I'm good at it and enjoy it. Who would have thought? All along I thought I was supposed to have some crazy creative job, but I think honestly this is what I was made for. There are challenged and puzzles to figure out, but everything has it's rules and places they belong. I like that a lot.

I'm so tired of my insecurities. I don't even know how to express how tired of them I am. I long to be confident and sure of myself. I long to be able to take criticism without shriveling up and dying inside. I long to be able to take jokes, no matter how in bad taste they are, about my personality. I'm so tired of breaking tears or coming home and breaking into tears because of something that someone said. I'm so tired of feeling like I don't measure up to everyone else in this world. I'm so tired of feeling insignificant. I'm so tired of believing what I know are lies. It doesn't matter how much I know they're lies. I just can't overcome them. I feel powerless.

I know my relationship with God isn't where it should be. I don't rely on him totally. I don't put Him first. Last week I had a phrase that was on repeat in my mind: "It's all about Jesus, It's all about Jesus, It's all about Jesus." It's so true. It's all about Jesus. Our house parent told us that during REACH training a lot. It was so easy back then when our entire schedule revolved around loving and serving Jesus. It's a lot harder here in the real world. I'm just now beginning to realize the truth and depth of it, though.

The only way to overcome our sins - the only way to become more holy - is to focus solely on the face of Jesus. I don't beat the lust in my life by trying not to think lustful thoughts. I beat lust by looking at the face of Jesus and being transformed by my relationship with Him. When I am so focused on Him that there's no room for anything else, that's when I can overcome my sin. I've been reading a lot of articles recently that go along with Christ reminding me of that truth. It's cool how God does that.

I want so badly to leave it all behind. My lust, my fear, my insecurities, my greed, my hypocrisy, my jealousies. I was to leave it all behind. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be His daughter - pure and undefiled by all of those things. I don't want these scars anymore. I don't to feel beaten and bruised and struggle to just make it through some days.

Is that unrealistic? Am I asking God to be my fairy godmother and wave a magic wand and make my life perfect? Or does God want to heal me and make me fulfilled and help me to leave all these struggles behind? I don't know. I know we will always have struggles. But am I meant to have the same struggles my entire life? I'm ready to grow beyond this. I'm ready. God, please, I'm ready.

I have no idea how I used to not like David Crowder's music. His lyrics are so beautiful. I'm going to post some of them below.

And what was said to the rose to make it unfold
Was said to me, here in my chest
So be quiet now, and rest.



The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that

(chorus)
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory
You are glorious You are glorious
From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious
Which leads me to believe
why I can believe


You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious.
You are glorious. You are glorious.

So how do I seize the day? Carpe diem? What does this look like through the eyes of a brokenhearted and disillusioned girl stuck in a job that she doesn't like? Changes are on the horizon, and for that I'm grateful, however, I know myself. I'm going to be no happier once things change. It will be just another thing I'm longing for and saying "if only I could have that then I would be happy!"

Some friends and I were discussing our lives and whether or not we are a good example of Christ to those around us. What kind of legacy are we leaving? I had to fight off tears. I'm a broken person wandering through a messed up life. I'm short-tempered and selfish and full of negativity. What type of Christ-like-ness is there in me? I have a heart that thinks like Christ sometimes - I care so much about people and I long to do the right thing - but it never turns out right. I say something to mess it up or I lose my temper or just do something incredibly selfish. I focus on the negative and on the worldly things. I can't see beyond my current problems and pains and I all but drown in them.

So again, how do I seize the day? How do I show Christ to my co-workers and to my friends and to my family? How do I live like Christ when all I can manage to think about is how I feel at the moment? When I'm feeling good, I'm flying high and thinking about how wonderful life is. When I'm feeling bad, it's all I can do to drag myself through the motions of the day. How do I focus on spiritual things? How do I keep my eyes on Jesus? How do I let myself go? How do I make decisions that are based on being like Christ and not on what makes me feel good and is something that I would enjoy? And how do you know if taking joy is okay or if you're putting too much emphasis on the joy and not enough on Christ?

A lot of questions. Few answers.

I always loved the fact that I was honest with people - I would share my deepest thoughts and fears and I let people know what I was thinking. However, over the years, time and time again, I've been hurt and rejected for being honest. Recently I was delivered the final blow and it finally happened - I no longer want to be open. I no longer trust people. I now wholeheartedly believe that if I let people see what's really going on inside of me, they'll leave me because I'm too much work. I'm too messed up. I don't want to open up to tell people how badly I'm hurting, how afraid I really am. How lonely I am, how much it hurts. I don't trust people anymore. Who really wants to hear about how messed up I am anyway?

So I have this dilemma. The part of me that always loved being honest longs to spill it all out and to tell people how I'm feeling - to give them a window into my soul. Then there is the part of me that is broken and bruised, seemingly beyond recovery. It's the part that's been trampled on and rejected and betrayed. That part holds me back. Even when I have a listening ear, words don't come anymore. I'm left trying to guard myself - to save myself from further rejection and betrayal. How can I live life this way? How do I go through life not being honest about how I'm doing or what I'm feeling? On the other hand, how do I go through life being honest? It's too dangerous and it hurts too much.

I'm going to be okay. I always am. I know God is in control and that God has a good plan, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm trying to live like I trust God, but I'm doing a terrible job of it. Paying off debt, going back to Africa, questions about college, questions about relationships... They all are stressing me out and showing my lack of trust in my Savior.

Man, I need to cling to my Jesus. I need to cling to the Truth. Father, help me.

My relationship with God fell apart in Africa. I'm still not sure why. I was so angry with God at the time. Why then? Why did He allow that to happen when I needed Him so bad? Since then I've become resigned. Living in a state of confusion and distance from God seemed to be all I could manage.

Why did God allow it? I don't know. I honestly believe it made me a stronger person. Through it all, I learned that I'm stronger than I know (through Christ of course - nothing in me is good apart from Christ). I learned that God can still be there working in my life even when I don't feel Him. If anything, my faith in Christ is stronger than before.

I think I've finally come out of it. I've thought that before and I know I was wrong, but I really believe it this time. It's like everything has changed. It's not that life is perfect. No, not at all. Right now my heart aches and fear of the unknown looms before me. Through it all, though, a deep peace is flooding my heart. A quiet joy steals into the sorrow and leaves no room for sadness. Somehow I know it's going to be all right. It's not all going to be easy or turn out the way I want it to, but it's going to turn out God's way, which is better than any story I can write for myself.

It's so clear to me again that life isn't about me. I mean, sure, I walk around in this body and have to deal with the things that come my way. Sometimes it may feel like the world is ending, but ultimately it isn't about me. There's a bigger picture that I am playing a part in. It's up to me - am I going to do things my way and only make a small ripple or am I going to allow God to use me, no strings attached, and see how big of a wave He can make with my life?

Everything isn't easy, but everything is under God's control. It's not God's goal in life to make me happy - it is His goal to make me Holy. Refining Fire, fall on me.

How often do we stop and think about the impact our words are making? A simple statement. Saying the first thing that crosses our minds without thinking of the consequences. We may not remember it the next day. It's possible that the other person will remember it to their dying day. It's possible that our words can make or break a person.

I am so guilty of letting things come from my mouth that are hurtful. I never intentionally want it to happen. I go through life wanting to cause as little pain as possible. I want everyone to be happy and to be taken care of. Yet, when I get caught up in the heat of an argument or when I am so focused on myself that nothing else even registers, I know I say things that hurt people. Often, it's hurting the people that are the closest to me.

"With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?" (James 3:7-10b, 10-12, MSG)

"My friends, this can't go on." I like the way The Message phrases that. I don't want to condemn. But, friends, we need to wake up. We need to become aware of the impact that our words have.

I remember being twelve or thirteen years old. I was in a Wendy's. I still remember the restaurant. I was falling headlong into the obsession with male attention that still plagues me (but honestly, what woman doesn't deal with the craving for male attention?). There was a group of teenage boys sitting at some tables. They were part of a sports team, baseball, I think. I eyed them curiously as I ordered my food. I remember thinking they were cute. I remember feeling beautiful that day. As I walked by them with my food, going to join my family and friends at our tables, I heard the boys talking in hushed tones. "They're talking about me!" A thrill went through me. As I listened to their actual words, though, my heart sank. "Look at her, she's so fat!" One exclaimed and the rest of them snickered.

I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. To this day, I have a hard time believing that I'm even remotely attractive. I struggle with my weight. Every time I walk into a room, I fear that people are talking about me. When I hear someone laugh, my first thought is that they are laughing at me. I'm sure there are other factors that have contributed to my harmful thought patterns, but I'm certain that day had something to do with it.

Those words of those boys in that Wendy's profoundly impacted me. I don't know any of their names and they surely don't know mine. I can almost guarantee that none of them remember those comments they made about that overweight, awkward teenager. But I remember it. Ten years later I still remember it. I probably will remember it until the day I die. It's shaped my self perception. Simple, careless words. They shaped my life.

How are our words shaping those around us? We may think that someone doesn't notice the roll of the eyes, the whisper to our friends. Maybe they're not even around when we make the comments, when we declare judgement - they're too weird, they're too fat, I can't believe the clothes they wear! Is it worth it? What if those words get back to them? What if they overhear? It can deeply wound them. We are essentially placing a curse upon their lives. We are telling them that they don't measure up to our standards of perfection. They are not good enough. What if they believe us?

Cursing is the opposite of love - it is the opposite of blessing. I want to guard my tongue. I want to only allow blessings out of my life. Be blessed my friend - may the love of God overwhelm your heart today.

These people that we disdain, these people that we make derogatory statements about... They are made in the image of God. We are essentially telling God He isn't good enough.

Psalm 64

1Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint;
preserve my life from the dread enemy.
2Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked,
from the scheming of evildoers,
3who whet their tongues like swords,
who aim bitter words like arrows,
4shooting from ambush at the blameless;
they shoot suddenly and without fear.
5They hold fast to their evil purpose;
they talk of laying snares secretly,
thinking, ‘Who can see us?
6 Who can search out our crimes?
We have thought out a cunningly conceived plot.’
For the human heart and mind are deep.

7But God will shoot his arrow at them;
they will be wounded suddenly.
8Because of their tongue he will bring them to ruin;
all who see them will shake with horror.
9Then everyone will fear;
they will tell what God has brought about,
and ponder what he has done.

10Let the righteous rejoice in the Lord
and take refuge in him.
Let all the upright in heart glory.

Let me tell you... I read that this afternoon and found it some pretty sobering stuff. "Because of their tongue He will bring them to ruin." Not because of their adulterous acts, not because of their murdering, not because of any other sin. He will bring them to ruin because of their tongue. I immediately thought of James 3. I thought of the wildfire that we can spark in someone's lives by our thoughtless remarks. They can bring others to ruin. They can bring us to ruin.

"My friends, this can't go on."

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell." (James 3:5-6 MSG)

I want to take this world by storm. I want wherever I am to be electric. I want the presence of God to be insane around me - whether I'm in Kenya or South Florida.

Mediocre. This is not where we are meant to live. Mediocre. It's a prison. Mediocre. We're missing out.

I want to break free.